Okay, so if you're someone you're asking that question like, how do I know where I stand with someone? Are we on the same page? When do you have the kind of conversation about what they want in terms of commitment, relationship, marriage, kids, that whole kind of thing, then this episode is going to be so insanely helpful for you, we'll be walking you through four really powerful steps. So you don't waste any more time in relationships, situation ships that don't end up going in the direction that you want them to go.
Welcome to the loved up effect podcast. I'm Emily Bucknell, here to get you from demoralized and single to empowered, confident, and in the loving arms of your dream guy, if you're a smart, successful woman with a lot of love to give, but no matter what you do, how hard you try or how much you want to, you just don't seem to be getting any closer to love than you are in the right place. I'm here to answer your biggest and most frustrating questions when it comes to dating love and relationships in a way that no one else will get ready for practical, no BS and powerful F insights that will lead you to laugh. Are you ready? Let's get into today's episode.
Okay, so how to avoid relationships that ultimately are going to be a waste of your time, you know, because obviously, you're listening to this podcast, because you want to find love, like you've probably been wanting to find love for many years. So I get it, like I get the last thing that you want to do is waste any more time in a relationship or even dating someone that ultimately doesn't want the same things that you do, you know, the same things in terms of like committed relationship, children, or life, we're talking about that in this episode. Because there's literally no point like, if you spend time dating someone who ultimately doesn't want to settle down, doesn't want children doesn't want to get married any of that kind of stuff. And that's what you do, then there's literally no point spending time with that person. You know, because it's not getting getting you any closer to the kind of relationship that you want. You know, there's probably a lot of you out there maybe probably a lot of you out there who like me, you know, I used to being in those kinds of relationships where you spend like six months with someone, you know, and you're like, oh, yeah, I can, like just, I feel like I'm their girlfriend, I do have a girlfriend kind of duties and like girlfriend role in their life, you know, and eventually you get to that point where you're like, Okay, I need to know for sure. So you finally build up the courage to have that kind of conversation, you know, and then you get, like a slap in the face where you learn that they actually don't want what you want, you know, they're like, no, actually, I'm not actually looking for a committed relationship, or, you know, I don't see myself ever settling down or having kids, you know, I don't really want the kind of life that you do, you know, or they say that you want all of those things. And then a couple of weeks later, ghost you and boom, you know, you've just learned that you spent six months with someone who is isn't ever going to give you what it is that you want. So inside this episode, I'm actually going to give you four like really empowering, you know, they're potentially a bit scary, but in the best possible way, four steps to take the gonna stop you from getting stuck in these dead end relationships. You know, where you're confused, you're not really sure where you stand, you know, and that leaves you in that place where you end up ultimately, like heartbroken and disappointed. I get a lot of different kinds of questions about this, like, when do you have that kind of conversation? Like, when do you say like, where is this going? What do you actually want? When should you make it clear what you want, like, and how do you know where you stand with someone? I'm going to answer all of those questions. So the end give you like a really clear plan as well how to avoid all of this, you know, when you're dating when you're in the early stages of a relationship when you're getting to know each other. So it isn't like eight months later, you learn what they actually want. And you're like, okay, cool, right? So I must say to that this is slightly different. So this is really we're talking about those like basic fundamentals when it comes to relationships and what people want, like getting married, the commitment, all of that kind of thing, as opposed to okay, you're not actually the person for me, yes, we match on those like basic fundamental levels. But you're not the person for me. Totally different conversations. So this is really all about that basic stuff. Right now, we'll have another conversation about like, you know, how to know if that is the right person, you know, all that kind of stuff, like wanting commitment and kids aligns, how do you know if that person is the person that you want to have a relationship for? We'll have that conversation another day. So here's how to approach this. And at the end, I'm also going to walk you through what to do right now. So if you're in a kind of relationship or a situation ship right now, you don't really know where you stand, how to figure that out as well. So this really is that kind of approach that I want you to take. You know, when you start dating, when you're out there when you're meeting people the whole thing number one is Getting clear on what it is that you want, like you got to know what you want in order to receive what it is that you want. So part of the work that we do inside step two of the loved up effect called Love yourself is all about getting crystal clear about your dream relationship, like all the details of it, what it looks like how it feels all the nitty gritty ins and outs, which is super important to have when we get into creating the identity and the beliefs that support that vision, and then allow you to have it before that though. And right now, what I want you to do is simply like get clear on those basic fundamentals of your dream relationship. You know, the vision that you have for your life and what you want it to look like, like, Do you want a monogamous, committed relationship? Do you want it to lead to marriage, children? Is it really just a commitment that you're after? The rest of it? Like either way? Yeah, I want kids. No, I don't want kids. You know, could you What are you gonna be happy with? What do you ultimately want? You know, I was always like, grew up like, No, you have to get married, like, thanks to watching father of the bride, like 80 million times when I was growing up. But I was always like, Uh, ya know, I gotta get married first. But as I got older, I was like, You know what, I actually don't really care that much about that, you know, I really just want someone who's fully committed to me, I want to have kids, I want to have a family. So someone that wants that as well. You know, what I ended up having, we had the baby first then got married, for which for me, like, awesome cherry on the top, you know, I don't necessarily need to have it. But it's awesome to have. Also consider when you want to have this. So it might be that right now you're like, yes, I want the committed relationship right now. Maybe it's something that ultimately you do want, but like right now you're getting over a previous relationship, you know, and just getting out there are dating is enough for you. So get clear on this. Now, what are you looking for? What do you want in a relationship in terms of commitment and where you want it to go like from that really basic place, and I get this might seem really obvious, and perhaps a little basic, too, you know, but way too often, we skip what is basic, and then we wonder why don't worry why things don't turn out the way that we want. Like, like I said, you need to know what you want. And you need to be comfortable with wanting this. And it has to be at the forefront of your mind. Otherwise, you're gonna get pulled off into all directions, like getting strung along in situation ships, you know, that six months later, leave you heartbroken, you know, the shiny thing syndrome is gonna happen for you where you fall into a thing with your ex, because it's easy and familiar. You know, you get swept up by the guy that's like super attractive, but a total player, like that stuff is going to pull you off course, if you don't have what you want clear and in the forefront of your mind. So getting clear about what you want really is the first step in habit. Like it puts everything else into motion. Number two, so we're clear about what it is that we want. Number two is own what you want. This is a step that like so often we just completely skip. Like right now what I want you to do is speak out what you want out loud, like out loud. I want a committed relationship. I want marriage, I want kids speaking out loud. And let me know how does that feel? How does it feel to really own that desire that you have? I know for some of you, it is going to feel totally awesome. Because you already own what you want. It feels great to say it's exciting. It's empowering. You know, and that's the place that I want you to get to. You know, what if that's how you feel, then what if that's how you feel, then what I'm about to say may sound a little a little like weird to you. Because this is how I actually felt back in the day. Like if you said to me speak that out loud. You know, and I also know that this that if this is how I used to feel, then there's probably some of you that are feeling the same way to like when you speak that out loud. You know, when I would have done this in the past, when I didn't have that when I didn't have the committed relationship, I didn't know how the hell it was ever going to happen. For me. I was scared as you know what, that it wasn't going to happen. For me speaking that out loud and saying this is what I'm looking for. I would have felt so uncomfortable and awkward. You know, I would have had a hell of a lot of shame coming up that I didn't have what I wanted, you know, and what seems so easy for everybody else around me to have, you know, along with all that doubt and the fear the endless reasons that it wasn't going to happen for me. So if you resonate like that, like if you literally feel uncomfortable speaking what you want, and you may feel comfortable doing it like now by yourself, but can you speak that to someone else? If you feel uncomfortable, then seriously beautiful friend. There's just some work that we need to do to release that to get you to a place where you feel worthy of asking for what it is that you desire. Because if you don't feel worthy, then you're Never gonna have it. If you can't own what you want, it's so hard for it to come into your life. Because the truth is to that the person you are right now you are worthy. Like you can have that big, amazing committed relationship where you're absolutely loved to pieces, you are not asking too much. There is nothing to be ashamed about because you don't yet have it. You know, not having the relationship mount now, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.
And I'd love to know too because I have a feeling that what I'm saying what I experienced myself feeling uncomfortable about wanting a committed relationship, like speaking it and really owning that desire. You know, I felt hard I felt that was difficult to do because I was all I've also been a massive people pleaser, you know, massive people pleaser where it's like, I can't possibly take up space. I can't put anybody else out. I can't ask for anything because it's too much. You know, I couldn't possibly have people go out of their way for me like my desires didn't matter. You know, my cousin is the exact same way and I would love for you guys reach out let me know if you resonate with this people pleasing thing. You know, my cousin is exactly the same thing. And we laugh like all the time about how ridiculous our P people pleasing can be. You know, my brother for my brother's wedding, we went and got mani pedi us together. You know, and we both had this lovely girl who like you know, when they like buff your feet or like use the what is it called the pumice stone or whatever it is, like, did it so hard that I both our feet were bleeding. And guess what, because we're massive people pleasers. Neither of us said a friggin thing. We just grinned and bared the whole thing. And then for the entire night at my brother's wedding, we were like my feet are freaking killing. You know, we didn't say anything. And this may sound ridiculous to the people who are not paperclip people pleasers. But it was like her feelings were more important to us, like didn't want to make her feel bad for doing a crap job, you know, and to be honest, she probably wouldn't have felt that bad, she would have just said, I'm really sorry, I won't do it so hard. You know, that was more important to us in the fact that our feet were bleeding from this experience. So really, what I want you to do is just take take note of how you feel when you speak that desire. You know, when you put that out there, when you maybe say it to someone else, the thoughts and the stories that come up, you know, all of that stuff is the stuff that we've got to clear because it's stopping you from having the relationship that you want. You know, and if this is you, and you want me to help you pin some of this stuff down, that stuff that's like bubbling under away under the surface, like those emotions, you have the stories, the perspectives, you know, how you feel about yourself, where it's like, oh my gosh, I couldn't possibly put my desire out there. Like that's gonna be like too much for anybody to like, I don't want to put anybody out that kind of people pleasing thing, then I also want to make sure that you know, I have a brand new workshop clear the path for love, where I'm actually walking people through live, the replays also available available as well, taking you through a process where you can pull all of this out, like maybe even me just talking about people pleasing, you're like, holy moly, I didn't even realize that that was a thing for me. I want you to understand that so much of this stuff that is happening at that deeper level, like 95% of it is actually unconscious. So you're not even aware that this is happening yet. It's having this incredible effect, not really the effect that you want on your love life. So the link is in the show notes. You can find all the information there. Let me know if you have any questions at all. But it's such a powerful process to go through to pull all this stuff up and say okay, I don't need to be carrying this around anymore. Because it's actually stopping you you know, if you've got that people pleasing thing where it's like, Oh, I couldn't possibly ask for like a really good relationship because that's too much. I don't want to put anybody out I don't want to be like big or whatever it happens to be for you. Or I feel all this shame coming up. Like oh my gosh, how embarrassing is it like I used to feel that way. You know, like people would say how would you love like you like yeah, it's great. I love dating and all that kind of stuff is really hard and vulnerable to own that kind of like I don't have what it is that I want I really want the committed relationship but I don't have that it's so hard to speak that it is so can be so hard to speak that so a lot of the stuff there those emotions of shame embarrassment, like this is the stuff that we really got to clear so you can own what it is that you want. You have to own it to have it come into your life. Let's also not forget how freakin powerful you are. That the energy that you're putting out into the world right now it's literally creating your future you know, we can go into all the universal laws. Law of Attraction is coming to mind right now the old like attracts like, you know, so if you're feeling totally embarrassed, or you have this kind of shame around the fact that you want something that everybody else has, like, you want that committed relationship, you want a family, you want to be a mom, you want marriage, you know, but you feel like it's easier to pretend that you don't care. You know, so you avoid feeling like a failure, you avoid that shame that comes up for you, then that's actually what you're creating more of, you know, so if you can't own it, if you're boxed in by this shame, this embarrassment, this, I can own my desire, you know, you're boxing yourself in and it keeps you stuck from experiencing what it is that you want. Own it on the other hand, like be honest, be real, put it out there that this is what you want, like in a field, I get it. And this is why I said these escape can sound like, can feel like really scary steps to take, you know, because this can feel really raw and vulnerable and scary. But you bring some breath to that. And you can turn it into feeling exciting and expansive and open. Or it's like, the more you own that desire. The more breath you give it, the more power you give it, ah, I hope you guys can feel that because I can feel it where it's like just opening up and so expansive. You know, in that energy, like that expansive, kind of like excited energy, that puts powerful intention behind your desires. You know, it puts what you want into motion, it's you telling the universe that it's free can go time, you know, the energy or 10, or intention that you have behind his desire, you know, it literally has the power to change everything. And so when you join the loved up effect, or step one of the loved up effect, one of the first things that we do is intention setting, like consciously choosing what it is that you want to create, and then backing that with your power of your energy. So get clear about what you want relationship wise, from a really fundamental perspective. I want to be married. You know, I want a committed relationship. I want to be a mom, I want to have a family. You know, I want a partner that wants the same things. Own that back it with the energy of Hell, yes, I want this. I am proud that I want this, this is mine. Step number three, speak it. Oh, I felt the fear already. This is a step that honestly trips a lot of women up and often it is not your fault at all. You know, it's gonna be really hard, really uncomfortable, and scary if like me, the old people pleaser, you know, because you don't feel comfortable having needs at all, let alone telling people what they are putting them out there and then having that opportunity for them to be met or perhaps not met by someone else. Secondly, there is also a lot of really, really toxic advice out there about what how you shouldn't talk about what it is that you want. Like this kind of idea that the word commitment, you mentioned the word commitment, I met round men, and it's like kryptonite, and you're just gonna, like they're gone. You're gonna be like commitment. And it's like just dust. Where did they go? Like, there's this idea that what you should be or what you should do is like, be the chilled out relaxed chick that has no needs, you know, and it's just like, hope and pray that if you're like, super cool and easy going that, then they'll fall for you. And then they'll have no choice but to commit to you. And you'll be able to like pin him down. And I say this is toxic, because it's literally telling you not to have needs, that wanting a committed relationship is too much to ask for that it's not okay that it's not attractive, you know that it's wrong. And so it's no wonder then that so many fine women find it so hard to own what they want to say yes, I want a committed relationship. You know, it's also the perfect way to waste months or years of your life with someone that doesn't even remotely want what you do in terms of relationship, or life at the most basic level. You know, and this is why I so passionately, dislike mainstream dating advice because it is so dis empowering. It makes you feel terrible for wanting what you want. And then it makes you almost impossible for you to have what it is that you want. Like I could go on about this for a long time. It's awful. It's awful. You have been told that it's wrong to want commitment that men don't want commitment, Bs. There are plenty of men out there who want commitment. So anyway, if you don't speak what you want to the men that you're dating, then you're never going to have it you're gonna stay stuck in those relationships that are a big waste of your time. The sooner you get comfortable speaking your needs and speaking your needs in a non violent way, which may sound like a weird term to use. But this is a whole other conversation that we're going to have in another podcast episode about how to speak your needs in a way that allows them to get met. Because too often we come at it communicating our needs, from what is called a violent way, think it's got a violent way, the opposite is non violent way. But where it's not like you need to do this, in order for me to be okay, there's a whole way to do it, we'll be talking about that soon. So stay tuned.
But you have to get comfortable speaking your needs in this non violent way, just saying this is what I'm looking for. You know, that's how you get your needs met. You know, it's the best possible way for everyone involved. And it's a total, like speaking in this way. Where it's like, this is what I want. This is simply what I want, you can do or not do whatever you want, this is what I want. It's a total relationship game changer. You know, and I will do an episode on this and how to really speak your needs in this way, in the future. But 100%, own what you want, and tell the guys like have this conversation straight up. There's no point, you know, getting to date number five, and then having this conversation and being like, okay, they don't even want what I do. You know, own what you want. Ask the guy straight up. What do you like? Like, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a relationship? Do you see yourself getting married? Is that important to you are having child is having children important to you? And this is a big distinction. I think so often, it's like, Oh, my God, I couldn't possibly say that straight up. You're not asking them to be in a relationship with you. You're not asking them to marry you. You're not asking them to have your children, which 100% would be off putting if that's what you're gonna do straight up. But it's just gauging whether it's worth your time to see them again, whether those fundamentals are actually aligned? Is it going to be guys like when you say, what are you looking for? Not something serious? No, I never want to have kids. I've already got kids, I've got enough kids not interested. Marriage isn't something that I believe in. And if you don't mind on that align on those basic fundamentals. It's not worth your time. So you have to be able to have these conversations. And in a way, like really understanding that saying, What do you want? What are you looking for in your life? What do you see your life looking like? It's not saying that you you're putting all this pressure on them to marry you right now. You're not proposing the table or saying, let's go, let's go get kid number one conceive like you're not doing that. It's just simply saying. Is this what you're interested in? What are you interested? Do we align in these fundamental things. And this is the thing, if you can't have these kinds of conversations straight up, like relationships are all about understanding what the other person wants, what their needs are, do your needs, align, how to meet needs, all of that kind of thing. It's so important that you get used to speaking your needs. If you want to have a successful relationship, you have to speak your needs. A relationship that is fulfilling is one that meets your needs. But the other person doesn't necessarily know what your needs are. I could go on about that for a long time. Anyway, I also want to remind you that you cannot stuff up what is meant for you, for sure. There might be guys that are put off by asking by you asking that saying what do you actually want? Are you looking for a committed relationship? If they're put off by you asking it, they are the ones for you, massive friggin gift given to you right there on a platter. That is you now not wasting a second longer of your life with someone that doesn't want what you do. Someone that isn't on the same page as you, you know, they don't want to go where you want to go. You ask him that, that question and they run. See you later. Because there are plenty of men out there who will say yeah, I'm looking for a committed relationship. Yeah, I see myself getting married. I see myself having kids, big old tick. Now we can get down to figuring out whether or not we're like compatible in terms of personality and all of that sort of thing. You know, it's also about really, like I said, continuing this conversation as you get to know someone, you know, where then becomes, like I said more specifically about you and your relationship and where it's headed. You know, like I said, forever after in your relationship, you're going to be having these kinds of conversations, like really communicating. Okay, where do you see this happening? What do you want to do in this future? Like, here are my needs here? Can you please meet them? For me? It's important if you do this for me, I'd love to do that for you. You know, it becomes this constant conversation. So going to the other part of this topic that I mentioned at the beginning, like what if you're seeing someone right now and you haven't had this conversation, you know about what you want? You know how to know if you're kind of like on the same page. You ask them Probably not the answer that you wanted. But you ask you have an on honest conversation about what you want about the stuff that's playing on your mind right now. And you leave the door open for them to meet you there or not. And you'll know straight up if they're going to meet you there like that they want what you do. You know, it's really easy to say yes to something that it is that you want. Like you say, Hey, I've been thinking a lot about this. I'm not sure where this relationship is headed. I don't know where I stand with you right now. Can I have some clarity on that? I'm looking for a committed relationship. Is that something that you're interested in? Is that something that you want? You have an honest, raw, scary sometimes conversation. But in doing that, you get the answer that you're looking for. And what I also want to say about this is that sometimes, like, a lot of the time, people will find it a hell of a lot harder to turn someone down, and will do everything in their power to avoid us. Yeah, this is a really important lesson that I took a long time to learn actions, though, they never lie. They never lie. Actions never lie. You know, and this is the funny thing. This is what now I look back. And in all these relationships, where the person really wasn't on the same page as me, I didn't want to pay attention to the action that they were not taking. So I made it my mission as the people pleaser that I have been to take all the action to do all the legwork. You know, so I got my needs met in this relationship by me meeting my needs, you know, I didn't have to face the truth. You know, the truth that way too often, I was doing all the work hoping that I would turn these situation ships into the relationships that I wanted. So the action, action will never lie. Are you getting back what you're putting in? So if you're asking that question, are we on the same page, have the conversation and take a look at that action that they're taking. So number four, step number four is take action that aligns with what it is that you want, you got to say no to what you don't want. The universe, it's gonna give you all kinds of options. Like all kinds of options, guys that want relationships, but not kids marriage that don't want whatever, like, you're gonna get all kinds of people that want all kinds of different things coming your way. The more you say no, though, to what you don't want, the more the universe will give you what you do. Or say that again, the more you say no to what you don't want, the more the universe goes, Ah, she doesn't want that. Let's give her something better. Let it does this, what you want is a close, but actually want someone that wants kids to so no universal, okay, here you go. It goes through that kind of process. If you keep saying yes to what you don't want, you're gonna stay stuck with what you don't want. And I say this all the time to the women that are going through the loved up effect, or who have been through it. Like the first thing you want to look for in a man. You know, if you want to have a relationship is someone that wants a relationship and wants the relationship with you. That has to be number one. He says he doesn't want a relationship. And you do. See you later. He says he doesn't want kids. And that's a deal breaker for you. By your chemistry is incredible. But he doesn't want a commitment. And you do. And then you think if you show him how incredible you are as a girlfriend, he'll change his mind. He won't see you later. If you're confused about where you stand months in, you're getting really vague axe actions, and you're doing all the legwork. No, see you later, the axe that dumped you that keeps popping up by you know, you're the girlfriend without the label. You know, and you want it but he doesn't want to change that. See you later. Your dream men is someone that wants you isn't it? Like someone who is so sure about you, that cares about how you feel that wants you to know that you're loved and appreciated, right? That is what you deserve my friend. And I get that right now you might be at a point where like, that seems so far away and out of reach. You know, and it might you might be at that point to where you like it seems so hard to say no to all these guys that you know, you know in your heart of hearts and never gonna give you the kind of relationship that you want. You know, that was my experience for years. I was constantly in relationships with people I'm like this isn't it? But okay. I'll spend years with you, even though I know it's not going where I want it to go.
What I want you to understand, because you can understand that from a logical perspective, and you can say I know this person like that exe that keeps popping up, I know where this is going. And it's not where I want it to go. You can know that from a logical perspective. But it can seem so friggin hard to take the action to actually say no. And what I want you to understand is that this is simply because of the beliefs that you have about love life, your future, it's because of the way that you see yourself the stories and perspectives that you have in your unconscious mind. You know, all of the stuff there, that doesn't actually support you moving into your dream relationship, what they support is what you're experiencing right now. So then you're taking the action, the action that is easiest to take is the action that's aligned with what's happening in your unconscious mind. You know, so if you have the belief that your dream love isn't actually possible, then you're going to be taking action that aligns with that you're going to be settling for crappy relationships that aren't actually what you want, you're not going to be able to let that x go, you know, because your dream love isn't possible. Like, it's like, well, I may as well not be alone. And I'll just settle for whatever comes my way. Change that belief, like change it, literally change it. And this is what we do inside step two of the loved up effect, so many practices to do that. Change that belief from my dream life isn't possible to like it's happening. And then all of a sudden, it becomes a hell of a lot easier to say no to these men. Because there's literally no point why would you be with them, when there's so much better coming your way? So I hope you can kind of see, I haven't gotten into it too much here. But I will for sure if you have any questions about this, let me know. But what's happening in your unconscious mind is always going to be what plays out that's going to determine the action that you take. Like I said, this is the work that we go into inside step two of the loved up effect. But yeah, definitely reach out for me. And if you feel like this is resonating with you, if you're like oh yeah, I got a few of those beliefs, then definitely make sure you join clear the path of love because we're going to get like really clear about what your specific beliefs are. So the link, I don't know if I said that before. Link is in the show notes. But anywho This brings us to the end of the episode, you know, the four steps to avoid, you know, being in these real situation ships, these relationships that ultimately are just a waste of your time. Number one, get clear on what you want. Own it, speakers, like literally speak it to the guys that you're dating, and then take action in alignment with it. So I'd love to know, reach out to me, send me an email, DM me on Instagram. What spoke most to you which of these steps you're like, Oh, that's a scary one. How do I actually do that? Reach out and let me know. Because I love it. I've been getting so much feedback from you guys lately, which I absolutely love. Just saying this podcast has been so helpful. I would love it if you leave me a review as well. But you'll find tons of resources in the show notes. Definitely check out my new workshop clear the path for love and my other programs and mini courses and stuff like that you'll find in a link in the show notes as well. But hopefully this was helpful for you let me know which step you're like, Oh, I think I can do it. Otherwise I shall talk to you very soon.
