So I'm really excited about this episode. First of all, because I love talking about online dating. And this question, I get asked this question a lot like, do I really? Do I really have to online date? And I think you're going to be incredibly surprised about my answer to this one. More than that, I'm so excited to have this conversation because it leads us to something that is absolutely epic, essential. So damn important for you to understand if you want to have your dream relationship, really excited about having this conversation with you. So let's get into it.
Welcome to the loved up effect Podcast. I'm Emily Bucknell, here to get you from demoralized and single to empowered, confident, and in the loving arms of your dream guy, if you're a smart, successful woman with a lot of love to give, but no matter what you do, how hard you try or how much you want to, you just don't seem to be getting any closer to love than you are in the right place. I'm here to answer your biggest and most frustrating questions when it comes to dating love and relationships in a way that no one else will get ready for practical, no BS and powerful A F insights that will lead you to love. Are you ready? Let's get into today's episode.
So do I really have to online date? I love, love, love this question. Firstly, because I know there's a lot of you asking this question. And I love that it's like, oh, is this like the chore that I have to do in order to find love? Like, oh, so before we get into the really juicy, good stuff that I'm gonna give you inside this episode? Because this question actually leads us to something really frickin epic. First, obviously, let's have a chat about online dating, you know, because it's pretty rare to hear anything good about it. That general consensus out there is that online dating is like horrific, it sucks.
There are endless horror stories out there. And it's interesting, because it's those kinds of conversations, when you think about it in life in general, that really suck us in, like, who doesn't love a good gossip and like, you know, when you're driving past a car accident or something, it's like slow down to see how bad it really is. You know, there's something kind of innate in humans where it's like, let's talk about the bad stuff. You know, people love to focus on the horror stories when it comes to dating, you know, all the bad stuff, you know, the guys that send you inappropriate messages, how things haven't gone, right, you know, the train wreck that's out there in online dating, you know, the ways that all men suck, and it's just never gonna be what it is that you want. You know, in this, like, I didn't realize how pervasive that story is. A couple of years ago, I actually had a free Facebook group, which was really epic. And it got massive, I think there were like something between maybe three 4000 people in it.
And I actually clicked made the decision to close it down. Like there was a very active group, I made it to the decision to close it down, because this conversation took over, like people saying, oh, my gosh, oh, you know, was on whatever app and this happened. And, you know, sending pictures of the message conversation that you've had with someone else, like in this public forum, I was like, this is not helping anyone. And as much as I tried, you know, as much as I was there trying to direct the conversation and put out like, you know, the message that I have, this was just like, anytime anybody posted oh, here's my like, latest horror story online dating, there was like
25,000 replies, and this happened to me. And that happened to me, and oh, my God, oh, man sock, you know, and I get it. Like, I totally, I totally get it, especially if you're stuck in that kind of that way of thinking, you know, and I get all the sort of, you know, not so great feelings when it comes to online dating as well, because I felt all I felt I have felt all of that myself. You know, I really did not want to start online dating because I literally thought it was just for losers. I was like, Oh my gosh, when you have to online date, then that's a sign that like nobody in real life actually wants you. I have to resort to online dating. How freakin embarrassing like I didn't see it. You know, you don't really see it as this way to actually have a kind of relationship. It's like, oh my gosh, that's just for losers. And for guys that just want to like find a hookup. You know, I felt like online dating was admitting that I wasn't good enough to meet someone in real life. You know, which obviously doesn't feel very nice to kind of admit, and then to have to put yourself out there. You know, I was like, Oh my gosh, when I'm online dating then all the guys that I'm going to be seeing any
We're going to be like, Ooh, what's wrong with her? Why is she here? There must be something wrong with her and looking for what is wrong with me as opposed to like, Oh, what a score.
So I really want you even just now to stop and ask yourself the question like, What is it that you don't like about online dating, it might be all that same stuff that came up for me where it's like, oh, this is so embarrassing that I have to do this, it might be none of that at all, like, but you're just stuck in that place. And I know a lot of people are there, where it just feels like an absolute chore, where you're like, Oh, I'm not even met, like I'm putting in all this effort all this time. You know, having these like boring ass conversations with guys that got absolutely nowhere, just not meeting the kind of men that you want to like, all this effort that you're putting in, and you're just not getting return. So it feels like this horrible chore to you. You know, you might be someone that also has safety concerns, really, I don't want to put myself like out there and then meet strangers, I want you to understand that whatever comes up for you is valid. Like it's all valid, all your feelings and everything that you think about online dating, it's valid.
But it is important to get clear about what it is that you don't like about it. You know, because personally, I think online dating is awesome, you know, I change a lot of that kind of perspective that I had on it. You know, when you think about it, like, it's an incredible opportunity that we have that didn't exist like before 1995, when match.com, you know, first came into being like before, then you simply had to rely on meeting someone in everyday life, or like doing personal ads in the newspaper, which ah, nobody wanted to do those did that, you know, it's a way of finding single men that you otherwise would never come across. Like, it's like you would know there are people that you would never come across that you can come across. Because now there are like apps that you can use online dating sites, the whole thing. And it's also I love it, because I think it's a really epic way simply to practice and get comfortable dating, you know, I didn't ever feel very confident dating, I was like, This is not something that I liked doing, like the nerves would just totally take me over. So I actually used online dating,
like the apps and stuff like that just to practice dating, just to be like, Okay, I can do this, here's how you have these kinds of conversations, the nerves are a Okay, and just to make it less scary for myself. And it was absolutely epic, I got to a point where I was like, dude, frickin killing this. This, like, it got to a place where it's actually really fun. And that's the thing is that when you can kind of come at dating with that perspective, where you're like, this is actually fun. And without all the nerves and stuff like that, you know, you bring this entirely different energy and way more attractive energy to those interactions that you have. I think, yes, 100% you're gonna meet men online that you wouldn't want to date, you know, the jerks, the guys that send you inappropriate message that that whole thing, those guys are always going to be there. It's no different from life. Like it's no different from life. And I think sometimes we have these expectations that, you know, online dating is somehow just gonna be like, filled with the most incredible men. You know, it's no different from life. There are all different kinds of men out there, you know. But I think back in the day, when I used to go out with my friends to bars and all the things partying, there were always sleazy guys that would come up to you with the one liners have grabbed your bomb or like, asked to buy you a drink? And you're just like hills? No,
no way. And it's just like, and you literally say that, you'd be like, No, thank you very much. You're disgusting, depending how, you know how honest you want it to be. But you'd be like, hell no, like, no, no, no, no, no, you wouldn't think much else of it, and you just go continue to party with your friends. You know, and I think that's the thing to really like, and I hope that that shifts a lot of your perspective when it comes to online dating. Like it's no different from real life. But it's just tends to be what we focus on. And I see this and that's why I close down that Facebook group because everybody just focus, focus, focus, focus, focus on all the sleazy guys that you don't want in your life anyway. And that's just what continues to grow. Because the more you put that energy out there of like, there's no one online dating, you know, and all the beliefs and stuff like that, that's behind that. As long as you're putting it out there and putting it out there and putting it out there. You're like, Oh, here's another one and that guy said that I didn't like the way that this happened. And Baba Baba, like you're just gonna continue to get that. It's really about saying, okay, like kind of getting into that energy of you back in the day like or maybe even still now. I'm just story from my perspective. You know, back in the day where the sleaze balls come up to you like at the bar or something like that. It's like you just
Say hello, and you move on with life. So that is really just my personal opinion when it comes to online dating. But does this mean that you have to online date like, because this is literally just my opinion, and how I feel about online dating, like no freakin way. I'm not saying like I can, you know, sing all the praises of online dating. But this doesn't mean that you have to online date, you know, I really want you to understand and this is taking this to the conversation that I really want to have with you guys. You know, when you think about it, there are n, there are an infinite number of ways that you can find love. And it is different for all of this, you know, it might be online, and also might be that when you're out for lunch with a work friend, she bumped into some old high school friend who's with her cousin that it turns out that you know, and then they invite you to a housewarming party the following week, and you go and you meet one of the loves of your lives there.
And that's so often how it happens. Like you cannot predict how you'll find love, like you cannot predict it, it can come to you in any way, shape, or form, infinite number of ways. So no one can tell you that there's action that you have to take to find love.
I'll say that again. Because I think you all really need to hear this. No one can tell you that there's action that you have to take to find love. So I think if there's anybody out there, like other dating coaches or advice out there, and people are saying to you, well, you have to online date, or you have to look a certain way. Or you have to go to this event over here and talk to that person or whatever it happens to be in order to find love. Like no,
nobody else can tell you that because there's this infinite number of ways that love can happen.
The other thing about this is though, that you also don't get to decide how it happens. You know, I often hear women say that they don't want to meet someone online. Like it's not a cool way to meet someone, you know, and I get that Where are you like, oh my god, yeah, we were both losers. And we had to meet each other online because we couldn't find anybody anywhere else. Like, again, that's a big kind of stigma, I suppose around online dating.
You don't get to decide that though. You know, the universe controls the how the how is absolutely none of your business, and the universe, it also has a bit of a sense of humor. And I can almost guarantee that all the women if you're out there saying that if you're like, I do not want to meet my future husband, online,
you're probably gonna be one of the people that does meet them online. But remember the how is not your business.
And this is what I mean. So if you are someone who like I want to know about online dating, I don't want to meet my future person online dating. This is why it's so important for you to look at why you don't want to online date.
And then move past any of the stuff that comes up. Like that fear of putting yourself out there in that way, like your fear and that kind of stigma that you might have about online dating and what it means about you, you know, look at that fear of judgment that you might have, you know, how you actually feel about yourself, because you haven't found love, it's really important that you start to look at all of that stuff and then move forward.
Because when you think about it, ultimately, when you have your dream love when you're in that relationship, like are you actually gonna care about how you met?
Like, unlikely, like really unlikely it's gonna be like, dude, whatever, let's move on with our lives.
So then how I know you're probably asking this question. So then how do you know if online dating is the right move for you is what is going to be that kind of next step like allow the kind of way that love is going to come into your life to come in? Is it going to lead you to love and again, I really think it's important to stay open to all the different ways that love can come in. And so these questions really do get us to this, like insanely important thing that I'm dying to chat to you guys about and through, you know, because it will open you up to the action that you need to take to find your dream love. Because like I said, there's an infinite number of ways that your dream love can come into your life. And the way that it comes in for you is going to be totally and utterly unique to you. Like how many people do you know that have met their partners in the exact same way?
You know, taking that exact same action, like not many, if any at all.
You know you're the relationship that you want. It's unique
To you, and it's going to come to you in a way that is unique to you as well. Which brings us to this insanely important point that I really want you to listen to.
Like 99% of the women who say that they want to find love will ask that question, okay, it goes straight from Okay, here's the desire that I have, I want to have this relationship, I want to meet this person. The next question that is like, okay, so what do I do? Like, what action do I need to take to have my dream relationship? Because you gotta be taking action if you want something, right?
And the answer that you'll always find is like, get out there and date. Like, when we're talking about this, it's like had the dream relationship, what do I need to do? Get out there and date, online dating, getting friends to set you up going to like speed dating events, singles events, going to all the places that you think eligible men hang out, being sure that you look a certain way, you're acting a certain way, you're doing all the things, you're following all the dating rules, and then it's just a matter of time, right?
Or wrong?
Absolutely. 100%. Wrong. Why?
So first of all, like I said, there are an infinite number of ways that you can find love. So there are also an infinite number of things that you can try in order to make it happen. So like, when you google how to find love, there are literally billions, billions of search results. Like you can be following all of that advice, taking all that different action related to dating for literally the rest of your life and still not find love. It is no different. So focusing on the action that you're taking first. Like it is no different to just like chucking spaghetti at the wall and hoping like hell something sticks, which is how you probably feel when you think about it. Like you're doing all this stuff, you're taking all this action, you're following all this advice, like be online dating, go to this place where this do this.
You're doing all of those things. And then it's just like, cross your fingers and toes, and hope that finally it freakin works for you. When you think about it, that's a really powerless place to be.
I want to say, though, that if this is your approach to finding love right now, like you're all about, like, what action do I need to take, then that is completely and utterly normal, because 99% of the world operates from this place where it's like, okay, I want something that I've got to take action, I've got to work, I've got a grind, I've got to try harder got to make it happen. I've got to keep going until it happens. You know, all our focus is on doing all our focuses on doing we think doing is the key to having
like, take the action do until you have what you want, then you're going to feel how it is that you want, you're going to feel finally feel you do till you have the relationship. And then finally you're going to feel loved, secure, happy, successful, content, abundant, all the things that you want to feel.
Life doesn't actually work this way.
Life does not work that way. Like I'm sure you know, plenty of people who are in their dream relationships, and they barely had to lift a finger to have it all fall into place to them.
And I know plenty of women who are doing everything known to man to find love, like taking all the action, following all the advice, and they aren't any closer than when they started to try to find love like 10 years ago. What you're doing to find love is secondary, who you are being comes first. Because when you concentrate and when you step into the you that has her dream relationship, the way that she feels her energy, the way that she sees herself the way that she still sees love and live the beliefs and values that she holds, you step into her, then the action that you need to take to find your dream relationship that specific action, it becomes clear, it becomes so clear because it comes from you.
So yes, 100% You do have to take action to find love, you know as per the universal law of inspired action.
inspired action. inspired action is action that comes from you and not from what is external to you. It isn't taking action for the sake of taking action because it's like what you've been told to do, what you think you should be doing what everybody else is doing.
So if you're asking the question, what do I need to do to find love? What action do I need to take? Then first up, my answer is always going to be always going to be become the version of you that has your dream love. So that then you can answer that question for yourself.
Like you get the answer from you, from your intuition. What that next action step is, that will get you into love. That's how you get on the path to love. That's how you know what action to take. I can't tell you what action to take. I can't say, Yes, online dating is right for you, and it's wrong for someone else, it's not going to lead to love ain't the universe, I don't know, what I do is I get you to that place so you know what you need to take. And this is exactly why the first two steps of my proven framework the loves are perfect. Release yourself and love yourself. That's step one. And step two are both focused on you. You know, first of all, release yourself is all about looking at your energy, that energy that you're putting out into the world, getting you into that place where you're in that energetic space of feeling loved, excited, joyful, all of those things that you're going to feel when you have that dream relationship. And then step two is love yourself. So changing your unconscious programming. So that you are you have those beliefs about love about life, you know about your relationship, all of that kind of stuff, you're in that identity of someone that has her dream relationship. So that then from that place when you're that you who has her dream relationship, energetically in front in terms of your unconscious programming. Then step number three is be yourself which is all about giving you the tools and practices to uncover those action steps that you need to take to find your dream love. So nowhere in that, am I saying, Yeah, online date, don't online date, get your friend to set you up? All of that kind of stuff. I can't give you that answers. Nobody can give you those answers. So stop looking for them as well stop looking for Okay, What app do i Okay? Be on Tinder Don't be on Bumble or the other way around, or eHarmony is where all the single guys are that are amazing. And Baba Baba, but nobody knows that nobody knows what is right for you only you know what is right for you.
I'm all about empowering you and showing you how to uncover the steps that you need to take to find your dream love. So this is a pretty freakin massive mindset shift that I've just laid on you.
And what I want to do is in next week's episode, I'm actually going to take you into this in more detail, like the nitty gritty of how and why you need to make this mindset shift and how it all works. You know, I'll also be talking about how it relates to some of the other universal laws as well. But I really this question was epic timing, epic timing, because I wanted to start the conversation and it just naturally flowed into this conversation so that you can sit with this for a little bit, sit with this for the next week until that episode comes out, let it marinate before we go deeper, because this mindset shift is everything. Like it is everything. You know, it's essential to make this mindset shift in order for you to have your dream relationship. There's a reason that you're listening to this, like the universe is like, Dude, this is some information that you need. You're put the desire out there, I want to have the relationship. This is how it happens. And if you don't make this mindset shift, like if you just keep focusing on oh my gosh, if I stop online dating, then I'm not going to find love, because that's what everybody else is doing. And oh my gosh, holy moly, even though it's like soul destroying, I'm not getting any results. It feels like a chore. Like nothing is ever going to change for you. Like you are going to stay stuck taking this endless action to find love where it's like, okay, that app didn't work very well. Maybe it's my profile that's wrong. Maybe it's the distance wrong. Maybe I need to be on a different app. Maybe I need to be swiping on that app when on holidays, because we different people, like all of that stuff. No, you'll be doing that for the rest of your life. Just hoping that something finally sticks.
You know, it's about taking out that action and becoming the you that has your dream relationship. From there, you'll know exactly what action that you need to take. You know what I think is really epic because I used to do these one on one sessions with people who'd been through the loved up effect. So each step of the loved up effect
really to help people get that clarity about what steps were right for them the next steps that they needed to take. These are called like, dating strategy sessions and I know a couple of you listening have done those with me. But it's really interesting because most of those, the next step for people
had nothing, nothing to do with dating. And I think this is another thing that we tend to do, where it's like, Okay, there's one aspect of my life, all the action has to be focused on that, when, in fact, all aspects of our lives are all connected. And so for so many people, it's like, Okay, I've got to change the living situation, you know, someone I did a one on one with a while ago, you know, it's was like I can't bring, I just feel like I can't have a guy here in the place where I live, no one, she was like, I've got to change this, because I've got to be able, if I want to have the relationship, I have to have somewhere to have the person over, you know, I've got to shift that. But other people, it's career, it's it, a lot of people actually, it's moving lately, a lot of conversations I've had, but the moving the careers, you know, shifting friendships, all of this kind of stuff, it has to happen first, so that you would step into this person that has the dream relationship. So if you're just taking action, taking action, taking action focused on dating, you'll stay taking action focused on dating, until you're forced, like live will do it to you until you get to a place where it's like I've got to change something. So let's just change it now. Put an end to the endless action taking. So in short, that question, Do I really have to online date? I can't answer that for you. I can't answer that for you at all. Only you the version of you that already has her dream relationship can she can answer that question for her, but calm her. So step into that energy, have the unconscious programming step into her and the action that you need to take to have your dream relationship will become clear. So I cannot wait to get into the next layer of this conversation next week. If you have any questions, let me know send me a DM DM, DM on social media and email whatever works for you. Because like I said, it's so important that we have this conversation, you know, so ask away if anything's coming up Ask away. Because it's so important that you understand this, this mindset shift. You're getting out of the action and into the being is how you have that dream, love how you get to that dream relationship, and I cannot wait for you to have that
