Okay, so it's time to have a real conversation about relationships, like a good honest chat that you probably haven't had with anyone yet. And it's going to shift your entire perspective on love and relationships. Because over your life so far without being like aware of this, you've taken on some of the many, many, many pervasive and not so empowering stories out there about love and relationships. That right now they're living in your unconscious mind, and they're making it near impossible for you to have the loving, awesome relationship of your dreams. These stories are literally keeping you stuck feeling unworthy, insignificant, freaking out because it feels like you're running out of time to find love. With all that pressure and the fear that even if you find love, it's only going to end in more pain. If any of that what I just said, is how you're feeling then you have to listen to this episode, because we're going to start unraveling these stories to free you from them, you know, to free you from the limiting beliefs that you have about love and relationships. That right now is stopping you from having your dream love. So get listening now and if you find this episode helpful, please don't forget to leave me a review. Welcome to the loved up effect Podcast. I'm Emily Bucknell, here to get you from demoralized and single to empowered, confident, and in the loving arms of your dream guy, if you're a smart, successful woman with a lot of love to give, but no matter what you do, how hard you try or how much you want to, you just don't seem to be getting any closer to love than you are in the right place. I'm here to answer your biggest and most frustrating questions when it comes to dating love and relationships in a way that no one else will get ready for practical, no BS and powerful F insights that will lead you to love. Are you ready? Let's get into today's episode. Okay, let's kick off this episode doing something super fun. Think about your dream relationship picture you in your dream relationship connect in with your dream relationship. Whatever it brings up feelings wise, you might get a visual, all that kind of stuff, but just connecting with that dream relationship of yours. Now want you to ask yourself, what is that relationship going to give you? What need do you have right now that that relationship is going to meet. And it might be stuff along the lines of feeling loved by someone, feeling that you've been chosen that you're okay, you're understood accepted, giving you a sense of security, feeling like your life is finally on track, you know, any kind of feelings of success or relief that might come along with that. And when you think about those things, where it's like, okay, the relationship is gonna give me this that I don't have right now, that that's massive stuff that you're missing out on right now. Because you don't have the relationship isn't that true? You know, and it means that having the relationship becomes this big deal. Like we've attached so much meaning to having a relationship, you know, to the point where having a relationship or not so often determines how we actually feel about ourselves, and our life. And this can get really heavy and I experienced like years of this myself, you know, I had this kind of sense. And I was like, Okay, I felt like not having the relationship, I just felt like I was in this kind of place where my life was on hold, where it didn't have the kind of meaning that I wanted it to have where I was kind of in this limbo land, you know, waiting for this relationship or this person to come along. So I could feel like I was like, finally living my life. Like I used to actually say, you know, I'll be happy when I have the relationship, I'll do these things when I have the relationship until then I'll just be in this kind of like, holding pattern waiting for it to happen. The funny thing was, though, and I know a lot of you are gonna relate to this. Like, it wasn't as though if you asked me from a conscious kind of logical perspective, I wouldn't have said Yeah, I feel like I need a man to kind of complete me. I was all about like, independent woman, I still am, you know, having the career of my own my own apartment, overseas holidays, ambitions, dreams of my own that whole thing all about being the independent woman. But still, there was this black cloud kind of hanging over my head, where I didn't feel okay without the relationship. And I knew logically and consciously I was like, Okay, well, I don't want to feel terrible about myself because I don't have the relationship. Like I know, like, from a logical perspective, this isn't what I want to be thinking. Yet there was this deeper feeling that I just couldn't shake that was always sort of there. You know what, I know there's gonna be a whole lot of you that feel that same kind of conflict. Now we're logically you know, okay, it's okay not to have a relationship. You know, you can say I don't need a man to complete me or anything like that. Yeah, there's this conflicting feeling where it's like, I don't actually feel okay. though that I don't have one. And the reason that this happens is because of all that programming that we have, that we aren't aware of in our unconscious minds, until we have these kinds of chats, and we start bringing them to light bringing them to your awareness. Because logically or consciously, you can think, okay, I don't need the relationship. But if your unconscious is screaming at you, that you do, in order to feel okay about yourself, then what's happening in your unconscious is always going to be what it is that you experience. So between the ages of zero and seven, our brains are like absolute sponges, taking up all kinds of information, all the information around us, that help us make sense of the world and ourselves in it. You know, this is why kids ask why 45 billion times a day, because they're trying to make sense of the way the world works, you know, and there are so many different stories, beliefs, perspectives, all of that kind of stuff out there that are super pervasive, and they're all around us as children, you know, about relationships, love what a woman's life is supposed to look like, we take all of that on, as kids, and it gets further ingrained as we experience the world. And it ultimately affects us as we're out there trying to find love. So I've got a list here, of some of the really common stories out there, that are gonna be more than likely, more likely than not, they're going to be in your unconscious programming right now. And these are the things that are really stopping you from having that relationship. You know, so many of us, like, grew up with that idea. And it's still, you know, the idea that's out there today, when you grow up, you get married, like, you know, you when you're a kid, you look around, and you probably had the same experience as me, we're like most adults are married. And therefore you take on this belief that, that, that that is what you need to do also. And then conversely, if that doesn't happen for you, then your life isn't going, you know, the direction that it needs to be. So I have to remind you to like, consciously you might be like, it's okay. Like, from that conscious perspective, you might be like, I'm not judging people for not getting married. I don't think not getting married is wrong. But you don't feel right, not being married. That's exactly what I used to feel a lot of where it's like, My life isn't what it should be, because I'm not married, or I don't have that significant relationship in my life. The next one, this idea that women have this biological clock, you know, so it's therefore up to us to find the man make him commit. Like, we want commitment, because we have this biological clock that's ticking. And we want the whole thing more than they do. Like men don't want commitment. Women are like, let's make this happen. So then finding love becomes filled with all this pressure to make it happen to pin the guy down, you know, to pin him down before you hit that age where your biological clock is totally ticked away. Next one hold is stuff from like, Disney movies, fairy tales, chick flicks, all that stuff where women go through all this turmoil, you know, and at the end, as soon as she lands, the guy, everything's fine, they run off into the sunset happily ever after. Like, that's a pretty big message to send us, you know, that you need a man or relationship to be okay. And this may not be something that you think on a conscious level, you're probably not walking around saying to yourself or saying out loud, I need a man to feel okay about myself. I need a man to be happy. But if you're thinking things like it, like I used to think I'll be happy when I have the relationship, things will be better for me when I have the relationship, then this belief is here. And it's likely come through those sorts of sources. The next one, the idea of the one. Like there's literally one, only one person out there that's right for you. So you then have all this pressure heaped on you to choose the right person, you know, you have everybody you meet, it's like they have to be perfect in every way. being super picky feeling really doubtful that it will ever happen for you because you're literally trying to find like one person in however many billion there are in the world. The next one, judgment and pity for women who aren't married. You know, and this might have been something I know. Speaking to a bunch of one on one clients, actually this has come up where it's like holy crap, I remember the way my family used to talk about an auntie or the lady down the road or whatever it happens to be that if you grow up and you don't get married, you're going to be some kind of social outcast, forgotten about lonely, you know, living by yourself with 45 billion cats eating soup for one. Nobody caring about you noticing you everybody feeling sorry for you.
So then you take that on and it's like, that's not what I want to create. That's where I'm going to be it's like either get married or That's it. Everybody's going to be pitting Me, this this story to that women are less desirable as we get older. So there's all this pressure again to pin someone down while you're still young and hot. And this other story that relationships can only cause pain. So if you're someone that grew up, you know, where you saw, like relationships didn't go very well, or there was a lot of like, kind of fighting and pain associated with it sociated with these kinds of relationships, then you're going to have that kind of conflict where it's like, I want one. But I also don't want that pain that's, you know, I have all these associations with. So take some time to think even just now take some time to think about, you know, what you remember growing up being told seeing around you as a kid, because all of this stuff gets stored in your unconscious mind, you know, as the beliefs that you have in the way that you see the world. Like I said before, what you believe to be true in your unconscious, all of that programming in your unconscious is always going to be what you experience. And this is why step two of my proven framework, the loved up effect, is so damn exciting. Because it's all about changing the program of your unconscious mind, you know, like installing new stories that actually work that are empowering and don't actually hold you back from love. Okay, so what I want to do now is really kind of go back into those stories that we've kind of all grown up, you know, around us that we've taken on and that are in our unconscious and start to really bring awareness to them, and start to pull them apart, start to lessen the hold that they have on you. And even just bringing awareness to these is actually going to start that process. So that first one that I mentioned, being told or kind of seeing, you know, that when you grow up, you get married, like that's the way life goes, and often has that kind of associated timeline. And I remember being like, I don't know, a 10 or 12 year old and watching father of the bride on repeat and like, then being like gay, she's 22. And she gets married when she got married in the movie. And I was like, no, no, no, I need to be 25 when I kind of am in the relationship married, hopefully first kid by 30 situation. You know, like, literally when I'm 1012 I've already got this frickin timeline. It really just shows how pervasive this stuff is. So I want you to ask yourself, How do you feel that you're you don't have the relationship right now, or that you're not married. And if you're feeling uncomfortable, you feel like you're failing, you have all that kind of shame and embarrassment around about around it, like I totally get it. But it's also evidence that that that story is there, because it feels like you haven't fulfilled on what it is you're supposed to have done. You know, and you have these feelings like I'm the last single person left on the planet, I'm getting left on the shelf, I'm missing out, there must be something wrong with me because it hasn't happened yet. All the kinds of insecurities related to that 100% It is a Okay, I am all about wanting to get married and having your Lord not whatever, or having your life look a certain way. But it's those feelings of shame or guilt around it. You know that there's something wrong with you because you're not married or partnered up, that is the problem. Because it's causing you to feel awful about yourself to feel awful about your life, like you're failing. And it's damn hard to move forward into love when you're carrying around that kind of heavy energy. So even just becoming aware that you might have this belief and how how it's playing out in your life is absolutely epic. And it's the first step in moving past it. So what I want to do is try on some new stories and give you a couple of new perspectives to start lessening the hold that this has on you. Even just asking yourself, Is this the way that life goes for everyone? You know, it's so easy to say everybody else is married. But is that really actually true? And is it really the way that everyone actually wants life to go? There are so many people out there that are like, You know what? committed relationships? Not actually for me, there are 10s of 1000s of women in the community that I've created, who feel the exact same way that you do. You're not alone, you're not the last single person left. You know, and there are people like I said, that don't want to be married or in relationships either. So it's not like your life has to go in this direction. Or you're failing because you haven't got there yet. The next bit that we talked about is this idea that women have this biological clock and it's up to us therefore to find the man make him commit. You know, like we want commitment more than they do. Which means that finding love is filled with all this freakin pressure. Like there's limited decent guys to choose from. There's limited time it's up to you to make it happen. have, you know and you're also probably filled with all this worry and this anxiety because you're trying to control something that you're never going to be able to control. There's a few parts that I want to talk about related to this. The first being that gender generalizations always are so freakin destructive. You know right now it's like you can say all that kind of stuff where like men don't want commitment women want commitment men are so this women are so that, you know, but when you think about it realistically, there are women who don't want commitment and kids and there are plenty of men that do you just look at all the willing engaged fathers out there. And before you say, well, they're all taken, unless you know, every man out there, you cannot say that they are all taken. There's just evidence there, that there are many men that want to be the stay at home dad, you know, that want that commitment that want to be a hands on father. And then there's the biological clock ticking thing. And I will do a whole other episode on this. If you guys are interested, let me know, you know, which is a massive source of pressure that comes from the story like literally comes from this story that you're telling yourself like I'm running out of time. So I better control everything. I better make it happen. You know, and I got to happen by this age, or I can kiss the whole vision for my life goodbye. How do you actually know that? You know, so often, it's like, the amount of women that I talk to you where it's like it has to happen. By the time I'm like, You do all the maths, and it's like it has to happen. By the time I'm 39 and six months and 11 days, or else it's not going to happen. And yes, obviously there is some science to it. But bringing another life into this world is the most random act of something we have ultimately, no control over. Like you can have the partner, you can have everything in working order, you can have your cycles all time or the best IVF team out there and still not create another life. Or you can be someone who doesn't want a baby at all and fall pregnant to some dude whose name you don't know, there's this whole other massive element out there that we humans do not control at all. And the same really applies to love and life in general. We don't control who walks into our lives and when what we control is actually what we desire. What is happening within us how we feel our energetic state, what's happening in our unconscious minds. That's steps one and two of the loved up effect. And then it's about surrendering to life, getting out of the way, letting the universe deliver in the most spectacular of ways because it always does when you get out of the way, and just taking the next steps that appear in front of us. And that's step three of the loved up effect, not trying to orchestrate the whole damn thing, the when and the how are not our job. I always can. Anytime I talk about this, I always get this like visual analogy. It's like when you walk into a restaurant, you place your order, and then you sit at the table, the chef gets to work and create the meal for you. You don't get up in there and then say, Well, I'm here I'm here to help and get all in the way he's going to be like Dude, you're not actually helping and you're not going to be able to give you what it is that you want. I always love that saying, I think it's a saying quote, whatever. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The only thing you will ever control in your life is you and what is happening within you do that. And it's amazing how God steps in to deliver absolute perfection. Okay, let's get to the Disney movies, the fairy tales, the chick flicks where it's like, woman goes through all the hell and the confusion and the turmoil and all that kind of stuff. And it ends as soon as she lands the guy and they ride off into the sunset happily ever after. You know really giving us a story that you need a man or a relationship to be okay. And again, this is something that you might not be thinking on a conscious level. But if you're someone and you're like things will be better for me when I have the relationship then you have bought into this story, which is no fault of your own. I always have to say that no fault of your own this is just how it happens.
I wouldn't have told you back in the day I would not have told you straight up that I had this belief. But when I realized like I didn't even realize that I was constantly thinking I'll be happy when I have the relationship I'll be this when I have the relationship everything will be better when I have the relationship you know I really did have this feeling like a relationship would solve all the feelings that I had. You know feeling insecure, unloved uncomfortable in my life. I saw the relationship as like oh my gosh, gonna save the day. I will ride off into the sunset to thank you very much. I'm here to tell you that life doesn't get neatly wrapped up in a bow All your problem solved and everything dandy as when you find a relationship. Have you ever considered that thinking that is actually the reason that you're attracting all the crappy relationships. Like no one else wants to or can be anybody else's source of happiness, it's going to suck them dry and it's guaranteed to fail. The relationships that you're attracting right now are a mirror of what's happening inside you, they're always going to be a mirror of what's happening inside you. And any relationship that your track is only going to amplify what you're feeling, it is not going to change what you're feeling. So if you're feeling unloved, unnoticed, unseen, then it's no friggin coincidence that you attract the guys that don't want to commit that are crap at communicating, and that you're doing all the legwork for it's a mirror of what it is that's happening inside you a relationship, you got to listen to this one, I will say it a few times. The relationship is not a source of your happiness, security, comfort, or feeling loved you are the source of your happiness, security, comfort, feeling loved comes from you. And then a relationship becomes a mirror to that. This is why step number one of the loved up effect is so freakin important. Because it's all about you looking after you, you know, starting the healing process, reconnecting with love clearing your energy, because when you start looking after you, you attract relationships where that happens, you teach others how to treat you. And if you don't care how you feel, you know, you're not taking action to make yourself feel loved, to feel awesome to feel comfortable in your life, then no one else will do that for you. And I want to make this very clear, it's an ongoing process to you don't get into the relationship. And then that's it this work continues. Okay, so the next one, this idea of the one, like there's literally one person out there that's right for you. So there's all this pressure then, and I know so many women feel that where it's like, I gotta be making the right decision. You know, this person has to, like, tick all the boxes, you know, and then you kind of feel really doubtful, because it's like, Am I ever actually going to find this one person, and worried about choosing the wrong person? How much freaking awful pressure is that? Seriously, that there's only one other person in the whole world for you. There are now 10s of 1000s of 1000s of 1000s of men that you could marry right now and have an epic life with. No one is the same for life anyway, we are always changing, growing, evolving. And this is why I always say the first thing that you should look for an apartment in a partner sorry, is someone that actually wants a relationship with you. It's the commitment to you. The commitment to the relationship that actually sustains the relationship, not spark connection. Chemistry is fun, as all of that is, you know, it ain't gonna get you through a week of like, a house with gastro, and when it fades, then what do you have, look for that commitment. And I think it's also really important to tell you that you cannot get it wrong, you cannot pick the wrong person. This goes back to that trust and that faith and the surrender, which becomes so much easier when you're connected with a higher power when you're connected with your intuition. And you're living with life, which is what step three of the loved perfect teaches you how to do. All that gives you is what you need to make empowered decisions, knowing that you're always on the right path that everything is as it should be that it's unfolding. And it gives you the kind of foundation to make these decisions from so it's not confusing. It's like is this aligned with me or not? So the next kind of story that's out there is that judgment that kind of pity that you know, so often people have the women who aren't married married, you know that when you get to middle age, all that kind of stuff, you become less desirable, you know, that you're going to become if you're not in a relationship by a certain age, and you're going to become this social outcast, forgotten about lonely, you know, it means that you have all this pressure it's like pin someone down while I still can. And I think this is a really interesting conversation. This is a belief that came out a one on one client that I had quite a long time ago. This came out she had this huge fear she's like, I don't want to be you know, I am worried what my life is gonna look like if I don't find the partner. And we went down this and said, Is that actually really true? Because she had this whole like vision I'm going to be alone forgotten about she's like, You know what? I'd actually go move to Florida and have a frickin epic time. I probably find love in Florida and like one of those cool like, old people, not old people. People with gray hair like facility things where they all play shuffleboard and have a great time. So it's about really saying, well, that really happened. Saying you never find love. Will that really happen? Will you end up in a situation where you're in an apartment by yourself with like, 800? Cats eating soup for one, and nobody even knows that you exist? Is that what you're living right now? No. You're living your best freakin life. You can find love at any age, love doesn't dry up, it doesn't stop it isn't limited. This is all about saying, I'm gonna live my best freakin life, no matter who or what is in it. Not to mention the fact that you decide how desirable you are. You can totally think like, okay, yeah, I'm getting uglier every single day, you can buy into all that beers. Or you can embrace how incredibly amazing you are, at any age, check out some of the like cool, older celebrity types that are like I am still damn hot, I'm even better look at JLo. Now, she's like in her prime. The next one that relationships only cause pain, you know, so you might have grown up in experience or situations or seen that relationships really were just all about fighting or anger or pain or whatever it happens to be. And then you have this conflict where you have this desire, I want to have the relationship. But I also don't want to have the pain that's associated with it. Here's another harsh truth coming your way. Literally all relationships end, all relationships will end. except the one that you have with yourself, there isn't a relationship out there that is going to last a lifetime. Some might have relationships that lasts a long time, you may have relationships that only last a year or two or even less than that. Whether it's in relationships or any other aspect in your life. In life, there is pain, there is always pain. And yes, we don't want to experience it. But relationship or not, it's going to happen. And it's in the contrast, this contrast that we have in life where it's like pain and joy. It's that's what makes life magnificent. And it's always through the pain that we experience it we're pushed to grow in ways that we wouldn't usually grow so that we can experience things that we haven't yet experienced. There is no escaping pain. And when you realize this, when you do the work and you realize just how incredibly strong and awesome you are, you get to this point where you don't want to run from pain anymore. And in doing that, you actually open up to experience love to experience all of life. Okay, so that wraps up what I hope is a little bit of an awakening and kind of shaking up of these really common stories that we believe about relationships and love. I'd love for you to leave me a review. Let me know which one resonated most with you. And if you want to go deeper with me into getting really clear about what's happening within you, your energy, your unconscious mind and how to connect with your intuition. Then in the show notes, you'll find the link for my five day challenge your love life overhauled get into that because you can dive into what specifically is happening for you in inside that thank you for listening. I'll see you in the next episode.
