Okay, so obviously your dream relationship is like when you think about it, it's this incredible relationship filled with love, respect, kindness, compassion, understanding, comfort, security, all of those really good things. But what if you keep experiencing relationships that are the opposite of that, where you don't feel truly loved, cared for, understood or respected. And what if you've never experienced any relationships like that at all, you know, those less than awesome relationships are all that you've ever known or seen in the relationships around you, like your parents, relationships, friends, relationships, all that kind of stuff, you've never really had an example of a healthy relationship, you know, it can then feel like this is really big gap between what it is that you know, and know that you don't want and what it is that you want to experience, which is like feel so totally out there and new, you know, it can feel almost impossible to bridge that gap, you know, to get into that incredible relationship that you want. So inside this episode, I'm actually going to walk you through how to do that how to bridge that gap, you know, between what it is that you have been experiencing and what it is that you actually want to experience, and how to really recognize it when you found that next love. This is all about getting you into that next level love. Let's get into it. Welcome to the loved up effect Podcast. I'm Emily Bucknell, here to get you from demoralized, in single to empowered, confident, and in the loving arms of your dream guy, if you're a smart, successful woman with a lot of love to give. But no matter what you do, how hard you try or how much you want to, you just don't seem to be getting any closer to love than you are in the right place. I'm here to answer your biggest and most frustrating questions when it comes to dating love and relationships in a way that no one else will get ready for practical, no BS and powerful AF insights that will lead you to love. Are you ready? Let's get into today's episode. Okay, super excited to get into our conversation today. So this is really off the back of a question that I received from someone saying I keep attracting men like my dad and relationships like my parents, both of which I constantly say, I will never be with a guy like my dad, and I don't ever want the kind of relationship my parents had, what do I do to change this? And I really want I can not wait to get into this. But I really want to start off with a big message for you all, like open your ears, open your mind, open your heart and really take this message in. You are not your past. Right now in this moment. And this is what I frickin love about this question so much is that this person is saying, Okay, I see this pattern that's kind of played out and probably, like, it's not even her parents generation, it probably goes back even further, this kind of pattern of having these sorts of relationships. She's literally saying, I want to create a new future. How do I do that? And I freaking love that so much. And I want you all to really get into that energy as well, where it's like, okay, you know, because I think I used to get stuck in that whole conversation to where it's like, oh, I always this, this always happens to me. You know, I'm always attracting guys that don't want commitment, or I'm always getting ghosted in relationship, or I'm always so unlucky in love that is you taking your past, and making that your future. So from this point on, we're leaving your past and your past. And we're creating a whole new future. And this is exactly what I show women how to do inside the love effect. This is what I love frickin doing is leaving all the stuff from your past where it is. And using all the tools and the techniques and the practices that I have, really using those to create an entirely new future. And we're getting in how we're gonna get into how to actually do that inside this episode. But I really want you didn't take this forward with you. You're like, from this moment on, we're creating a new future. I love the say or saying analogy thing. But I heard this and it was like a big old slap in my face. Back in the day. I was like, oh my god, that is so true. Like you don't drive looking in the rearview mirror, you drive looking in the rearview mirror, you're gonna frickin crash. If you live your life looking in your past, saying thing, you're not gonna get anywhere where you want to be, you're gonna frickin crash and it's not going to be particularly. So really take that with you and start to bring awareness to what it is you're saying what it is you're thinking, all that kind of stuff and say, am I actually living in the past? Because the thing is, like, it's so easy to do that our minds and this is what I'm all about is bringing awareness to what's actually happening within you. Because you change that you change your whole future. And if you're all consumed by your past, then you're never really going to move forward. Anyway, keep that in mind when we're done with your past. We're creating an entirely new future and I just love this question. I'm gonna say it again because I just love Love, love, love of love it where it's like, I'm ready to end this, how do I end this and create something new. So the most massive thing that I see in women who are stuck in patterns, and even just kind of now bring awareness to what's happening in your love life, and those patterns, those things that kind of keep happening for you, whether it's like attracting the same kind of guys all the time, the same sort of relationships or situation shifts, where you never really get that kind of commitment. And you're always like, gray area of like, are we actually dating or not? What's going on here? Getting ghosted, whatever it happens to be just kind of bring awareness to the patterns that you're experiencing in your love life.
Because the most massive thing, like most massive really, it's a mistake, you don't know it's a mistake. And I hate calling it a mistake, because it always feels like there's blame there. But it's just that you don't realize you don't realize that you're doing this, but it's like detrimental for what it is that you create in your life is really focusing on what you don't want. Like that's where all your attention and your focus goes. So back in the day, like when I first started this work, I had a free Facebook group. I don't know what it was, like 345 1000 people in it, I forget how many like all women. And it's like, I ended up closing the group for this very reason. Because the conversation in that group just became all about how terrible men are, how all men suck, how horrible dating is just focusing 100% on what it is that you don't want. And the thing is that that conversation is so I don't know, like seductive or something. And it just is like fuel to a fire. And all of a sudden everybody's complaining about everything and my message. Couldn't get through thank you the for the Facebook algorithm. But like I was like, This is not what I just became this huge like bag on men situation. And I knew at the time, obviously, I was like, this isn't helping freakin anyone. So close the whole group, because I'm like, this is having the opposite effect than what I intended. Because when you focus on what you don't want, you're literally creating more of that. So be really were aware, like, bring awareness, even just now of what you tend to say, like all men suck, all men are so I hate guys that I only attract guys that, you know, I don't want this kind of relationship, all of this sort of stuff, relationships are all this, what are you focusing on? What are you focusing on. And even like, this is such a handy practice. And I know that most of you won't do it. And so therefore, you're not going to get this. I know there will be some of you grade A students who will actually do this, and I really do encourage you to do it, because you're gonna get some insanely powerful insights is literally just pay attention, like seven alarm on your phone every hour. And just say, What was I thinking about in the last hour, you know, really focus in particular on because obviously, we're here to talk about finding love on your love life. What if I've been thinking about my love life, you know, was I thinking about the guy that did this and all guys that whatever, bring a focus to what your thoughts are. Because what you focus on frickin grows, you know, you make the conscious choice. And this is a thing that's like, and we'll talk a bit about this inside this episode, obviously, we'll get to that. But really, so much of the power in creating what it is that you want, and creating that new future is really create doing it from a conscious place and making the conscious choice to focus on what it is that you want to grow. And this obviously takes like that kind of consistency, awareness, like the, you know, catching yourself when you're doing it. And this is where the loved up effect, the framework that I have is so insanely helpful, because there's a ton of tools to help you actually do that. But when you make the conscious choice to focus on what you want, then that actually grows. Sidenote, I'm doing this incredibly awesome, like emotional, emotional coaching course from a parenting perspective. But I love how everything's always so you're like, that's a perfect timing for that. And just last week, there was saying, you know, like, what are the water, what you want to grow, like, you can water, the weeds, you can water all the stuff that you don't like your kid doing and be like you always do this. And you always do that. And you always do that. And you'll that'll grow. Or you can make the conscious choice to water the flowers instead and say, you know, I love how you did that. That was fabulous, how you did that. And I've been doing that in the last week and it's amazing how it happens. So this is something I really encourage you to take away from this episode is really starting to bring awareness at least to what it is that you're focusing on because that is what is going to grow. So if you're someone and you're focusing on how shitty your past is, excuse me for swearing, how crappy your pasta is all the stuff that you've been experiencing, you know how sucky men are how terrible relationships are that you've had. That is what is going to grow that is what is going to come into your future. And that is what you're creating how all this works and why it is that what you focus on grows is because everything that you say is literally an instruction to your unconscious mind. So your unconscious mind holds all that kind of programming that you have like just like you know, a phone or computer, you know, there's a part that we see on the screen, what it's actually doing. And then there's like a billion things happening in the background to make that happen. So you know, you click on an app or whatever, there's all these processes happening in the background to allow that to happen. So what we're noticing what we're actually aware of is like 4% of our brain activity, and the rest is actually happening in our unconscious mind. It is literally driving the bus. So your unconscious mind is driving the bus, it's creating the reality that you experience. And if you want to learn more about this, if you haven't already, make sure you listen to last week's episode, because that's gonna give you like, incredible foundational understanding of all of this, I'll put the link in the show notes.
But like in the same way that you can tell your phone to close an app or download a new one, you can tell your unconscious mind to like drive the bus somewhere else. So create a new reality for you. You know, and you would have experienced this even just from like, you know, one of those everyday kind of examples you would have experienced is when you're thinking about buying something new, like it might be, you know, a new car or you like a car, I'm looking at new cars and stuff like that. And there's one that really piques your interest. And then you know, who hasn't had that experience where you like you see it every frickin where you're like, oh, my gosh, this car is absolute everywhere. Because you've actually told your unconscious mind you said, Okay, this is actually interesting to me, this is something that we need to focus on. This is something that's like, you know, front of mind. And then your unconscious mind gets busy saying, oh, okay, we're looking at buying a car. Now. Let me show you all the cars exactly like the one that you're looking at. Now you tell your unconscious mind, what is important to you, and it's going to show that to you. It filters the information. And this is what we talk about I talked a lot about in the previous episode last week, it will filter all the information depending on what that programming is that you have in your unconscious mind. The thing about your unconscious mind, though, and this is so important, I didn't cover this in the last episode, actually, the thing about your unconscious mind is that it takes everything frickin literally like it doesn't have a sense of humor, it doesn't understand sarcasm, or anything like that. And it doesn't recognize negatives. So when you say to your unconscious mind, and this is like, anytime you speak, you're like literally saying what the words that come out of your mouth, are what you're saying to yourself. So if you're saying I don't want to date people like this man, or I don't want to have a relationship like this, what you're saying to your unconscious mind is I do want to date crappy guys like this, I do want to have these not so great relationships, it doesn't recognize those negatives. So you're giving and this is why it's so important that you focus on what it is that you want. Because when you focus on what it is you don't want, you're telling your unconscious mind that that is what you want, you know, it's gonna be what it what you experience, your unconscious mind goes to work saying, Okay, this is what we're doing now. You know, just like the example focusing on the new car, it's like, okay, I want a relationship, you're saying I don't want the crappy relationship, your unconscious mind is saying, Oh, we do want the unconscious, we do want the crappy relationship, and it gets to work bringing that into your reality. This obviously goes deeper into the programming of your unconscious mind. And a lot of those beliefs that you have about love or love and relationships. So I think it's really important, particularly with this question, and if that's something that you really resonate with, as well, where it's like, okay, you know, I grew up you know, having, you know, my caregivers didn't have incredible relationship, I saw a lot of fighting or arguments, maybe your caregivers, like your parents had an incredible relationship, but they went through a rough patch, or whatever it happens to be. What I really want you to understand is that between those ages of zero and seven, that's when you're laying all of that programming of your unconscious mind into you, you know, so those beliefs that you have about love and relationships a lot of that stuff goes back to those experiences that you had when you're in that kind of age group zero to seven it may not even be and this is the thing to I think sometimes we think you know, it has to be that relationship that your parents had, but maybe your parents had an incredible relationships but Aunties Uncles might not have people might have got divorced you might have seen like friend's parents biting whatever it happens to be but this all gets like sucked in like your unconscious mind when you're a kid is like a frickin sponge and is sucking it all in creating this programming that then plays out for the rest of your life. also really important to know that you This can also happen from a gentleman Additional perspective. So a lot of those beliefs, perhaps your mom, grandma, father, grandfather, whatever generations back have these kinds of beliefs, and they just play out generation to generation to generation, like these not so helpful beliefs when it comes to love and relationships. So if you have disbelief, like you might have just developed this belief, you know, obviously, without your awareness, it's not like you're a seven year old, or a four year old, and you say, Oh, I'm gonna believe this about love. But it's just you see something, you know, and it doesn't necessarily, like I said, have to be like, your immediate, like, the relationship that your parents had, you know, they might have had an incredible relationship. But you know, you saw them fight one day, and we're like, oh, that was a big event for you. And you create a disparate belief in your programming, or this belief ended up in your unconscious programming. But you might have that belief that relationships because of what you've experienced, this belief that relationships don't last, you might have a belief that relationships are filled with pain were filled with heartache, you know, filled with drama, filled with fighting all of that kind of stuff, if you have those beliefs, and that's going to be the reality that you create, you know, your unconscious programming, the beliefs, how you see yourself, all of that sort of thing. It's all it like, everything that's happening in your unconscious is always going to be what you experience. So if you have this belief, okay, like relationships don't last, they're filled with pain, you know, anger, fighting, whatever it happens to be, the way that you're going to be feeling then is pretty frickin hopeless about love, you know, you're probably gonna be like, Okay, well, this just is how relationships are, you know, relationships aren't that loving, kind of excited, amazing, you know, bells and whistles kind of, off into the sunset, sort of a thing, like, you know, you're gonna not feel that excited about love, you know, this just is how it is. And if that's how you're feeling, then the action that you're gonna be taking is really just, you know, whatever kind of comes your way, you're gonna be pretty accepting of it, like settling for relationships and being like, well, this is just how love is loves hard loves all about drama, or fighting, or people not getting along, or, you know, love is that, you know, and then that just reinforces that belief that you've had, you know, that deeper belief that like love is relationships don't loss, it's filled with pain, whatever it is specifically for you. So it's really important, noting that there are those like deeper beliefs happening. And it's also about the identity that you're embodying. So if you see yourself as someone. And you know, if you're saying any of that stuff that I mentioned before, like, if you're saying, Okay, I'm always attracting these relationships that end or I'm always attracting these less than awesome guys that don't treat me the way I want them to be treat the way I want to be treated. I'm always in these kinds of relationships that are like fighting ups and downs, drama, whatever it happens to be. If that's what you're saying, then that's the identity that you're actually embodying that's how you see yourself in your unconscious mind. You know, if you see yourself as someone that doesn't have like, the incredible relationship, you know, then that's exactly where you're going to stay, you're going to stay experiencing all those like things that you're saying, like, I am someone that this is what I experienced, I experienced the crappy relationships, that's exactly where you're gonna be staying. You know, like I said, I'll say this many times, I'm sure that programming that you have in your unconscious mind is always going to be what it is your experience, you know, you can have this incredible desire to have this amazing relationship. But if you don't see yourself as someone that has that, if you're not embodying that identity at the unconscious level, then you're always going to have this conflict where it's like, why can I get to there, it's because you're not in that identity yet. And this is what we do a ton of inside step two of the loved up effect is really pulling out these unconscious beliefs that you have that are conflicting with you having your dream relationship, really getting clear about how you see yourself that identity that you're in right now. And helping you step into giving you all the tools and practices and everything to change what's happening in your unconscious and allow you to step into that identity of the you that has the incredible relationship with all the beliefs that support that. And that's how it actually happens for you. You know, real change happens when you start to change that deeper programming that we have. And even just talking about this a second I got this question actually. And started like kind of figuring out what I was going to say in this episode. Like the technique and I love it when this happens because I get a lot of questions from people. And even we do live sessions inside a Facebook group for my program completely locked up. And it's so funny when people ask me questions I always like the in my intuition is like we need to talk about this tool. This is the practice that you need to go and do. But inside step two of the loved up effect this is incredibly powerful. A practice that I absolutely love, or it's more of a tool, I suppose called neural energetic encoding. And it is so incredibly helpful, particularly for releasing these really generational kind of beliefs like these really ingrained beliefs where it's like, I've taken this on from, you know, my parents, I've seen this pattern play out, like my parents, my grandparents, whatever it happens to be, and releasing those because I think the other thing I kind of want to say this is slightly off topic, but still super interesting is that so often, like, you know, all of this stuff comes up, because it's up to us, like, we've got this kind of, I guess what I want to call it, how the word flew out of my mind.
I hate it when that happens. But like, you know, it's our kind of lot in life, but in a really good and awesome way. That's not the way I wanted to describe it. But you know, it's up to us to release some of this generational stuff. So we don't then hand it on. So you have this incredible desire to have, you know, the big, amazing relationship. And that's what you're going to pass on. It just is. And this is why I love this question so much, because it's like, how do I release this pattern that has been carried kind of down, or these deeper beliefs that I've had from this generational perspective. But anyway, this tool, neural neural energetic encoding, so incredibly powerful for this, because we actually go into your unconscious mind. Sounds like really sci fi, he doesn't. But not in like, literally, I always get an image. I don't know why I always get an image of like, literally in someone's brain, but it's not actually like that at all. It's like a very lovely kind of meditative practice. But literally shift the way that you see love, you know, because everybody, like, if I said to the word love to you, you know, you don't just see the kind of letters like there's all this stuff that comes up. You know, like, even when I say love, I see like clouds, and it feels really good and lovely. And there's a doves flying, it's like this beautiful, peaceful kind of feeling. That's how I store love. That's the associations that I have. And it's a powerful, awesome kind of association wasn't always like that, you know, so you might be someone and I say the word love to you. And it's like, oh, yeah, there's a lot of kind of heavy stuff, there doesn't necessarily feel great, you know, I've got this memory of something else, or I say relationship, and it's like, this stuff kind of comes up. So what neural energetic encoding does is like go into those ways that we store that kind of stuff, take out the stuff that's not very helpful. Like, if you've got a horrible association with love, it's gonna be really hard for you to have it come into your life, and change it like release all this stuff, these generational beliefs, these kinds of generational identities, where it's like women in my family have all had these, like not so great relationships, get you out of that identity and into one that does support you with these great associations with love. And you actually kind of become free to have it come into your life. So yeah, it's kind of side note, but had to talk about it. I think the other thing I really want to talk about this too, there's a couple more points I have. But I think it's really important to also tap into that kind of energetic sense as well, that energetic being an energetic kind of aspect of this whole situation. And really ask yourself, like when you're attracting the same kind of guys, like you're attracting the guys that just aren't particularly loving, or kind or respectful, or whatever it happens to be those relationships where you're not feeling like comforted or secure or any of those sorts of things. Like how do you feel? How do you feel and I think it's really important that you connect in with how it is that you feel, you know, it really is your emotions, your energy one of the same, it really is the window into what's actually happening inside you. And it's this like I said, this is where you create that change and where you how you create how you change your entire reality and what it is that you're experiencing, but it's likely if you're attracting the same kind of guys, you're feeling pretty frustrated, you're feeling probably not very good about yourself less than awesome, annoyed, just all of the things you know, obviously not the best energy and I think it's really important to understand that you get what you're a vibrational match to so you know, you might have heard probably have heard law of attraction law of vibration that there are just a couple of the universal laws. But and I think sometimes there is another side don't loving the side notes this time. But I think it's really important to note too that like, I kind of thought universal laws, like when I first heard about them, I was like, Oh, that seems like weird. Woowoo stuff like what? But it's literally like over the last centuries. This is like people observing how life works and writing it down and saying like this is how it works just like the law of gravity, you drop something, it falls to the ground, you trip over, you fall to the ground, it's not something that you necessarily need to be aware of to be affected by. But it's happening all the same. So really the law of attraction law of vibration, like law of vibration states that we're all made up of energy, and that's something that we learn, you know, at school, everything is made up of energy. And it's in a constant state of motion, that emotion is affected by the vibration, and vibrations of similar energy, or similar vibrational matches that, you know, I'm trying to say, like attracts like. So if you're at that lower vibrational energy, you know, then you're gonna be attracting those lower vibrational relationships. And I think even saying this, I know there's going to be a lot of people, I was one of these people back in the day two, who then take on a hell of a lot of blame. I'm not saying that you have caused this in a Blamey kind of way.
I love that quote from Maya Angelou, where it's like, you do what you do your best with what it is that you know, butchery this quote, I'm sorry. But you do your best with what it is that you know. And when you learn better, when you get more information, then you do better. So this isn't about saying like, good one, you've created this whole thing and like, you know, blaming you. But it's about saying, Okay, well, this is how stuff works, I now have this information to change what it is that I'm doing to focus on different things. So I can move forward and have what it is that I want. So I think it's really important if particularly if you are in those low vibrational states I can get it can be easy to just have that pull you further down. But I really want you to see this as like a freakin positive, where it's like you're getting information now it's like, just focus on these things and move forward. And really thinking of your energy, not in terms of like, judgment or anything like that, because I think that's another massive like, kind of misinformation out there. And how people interpret this information, you know, in a really kind of self destructive way, where it's like, oh, my gosh, I'm feeling really powerless and despair. And I'm angry, and I'm sad. And I'm all these things. And then it's like, great. Now I'm in that lower vibrational energy and I'm attracting more crap into my life. And then you just hate more anger and annoyance on yourself and you just kind of pull yourself even further down. This is really about saying, like bringing, like no judgement and just saying, Okay, this is where I'm at right now, what can I do to change this? What do I actually need, and meaning yourself with love? Because it isn't, the whole idea isn't that you're always like, at a vibration of love. Because that's like enlightenment, enlightenment. I feel like I said that, weirdly. That's that and like, that's not where most people are. That's where very few people are, if at all, at that place of love all the time. Even you know, Buddhist monks that like, meditate for hours on end, still have the human emotion. So it's about really appreciating that you're gonna be at all the vibrations, but it's about bringing love and understanding in when you're in those lower places and saying, Okay, well what do I actually need here? And this is what step one of the loved up effect is all about release yourself really coming at how it is you're feeling from a place of love without judgment and just saying, Okay, well, what is it I need to do? I've used this analogy to actually inside my five day challenge, your love life overhauled really starting to see your emotions. Just like you would like when the one of the warning lights come up on the engine of your car on the dash of your car. It's like, okay, you need fuel, the fuel light comes on. You don't get frickin mad about the fuel light. It's like, okay, well, there's something that I need to do here and really starting to bring that approach to the emotions that you have where it's like, feeling pretty freakin sad. Feeling pretty awful about myself, what do I need to do here as opposed to Great, now it's opportunity to get more mad at myself because I ruined my life because my vibration is low. So hopefully you see that difference. It is kind of a subtle difference, but I think it's something that's never explained very well. And then people would just like slap on the smile, the positive thinking kind of stuff and just totally bypass how it is that you're feeling and what it is that you need. So like I said, if you're in that low vibrational energy, like it's just a sign and it's particularly if you're, if you're attracting these unhealthy relationships or people that you know, are just not going to give you what you want that aren't, you know, don't have your best interests at heart aren't coming with that loving kind of energy that you want in your life. And you're letting these people in and you're, you know, you're getting stuck in these unhealthy relationships and often, like I talked about this, isn't it again, it's not your fault. It's that uncover Don't just programming that's just playing out. So I think this is like the most powerful conversation. I'm so excited having these conversations, can I just say, because it's bringing awareness to this and saying, Okay, this is what you actually do to get out of these places. It's not about blaming you, it's about saying, Okay, this is how this all works, what do I need to do to move forward. But anyway, if you're attracting these people, you're stuck in these kind of unhealthy relationships, then it's often a sign that there's like, healing that needs to be done within. So like I said, As children we get imprinted with the stuff that's happening, you know, caregivers, important people in our life, all of that sort of stuff. And so often it's about doing the healing work that they and this is, like, again, so cool, because this is a lot of the stuff that I'm doing in that emotional coaching parenting course that I'm doing, it's about really doing that kind of healing work yourself. So you don't pass it on to your kids to have to do in a lot of ways, you know, your parents, you know, if they're in those kinds of unhealthy relationships, like there was, there was stuff happening for them to, you know, they may not have known, like, Okay, this is a sign I need to do some healing. You know, I love inner child work for this kind of healing as well, that's part of release yourself, you know, therapy, frickin epic. Obviously, I'm not here as a therapist or anything like that.
But really getting into some of that stuff. If you've got some of that big kind of stuff coming up from your childhood, it's about giving yourself the healing that you need, you know, that your parents may not have got for themselves, but needed because they were in these kinds of unhealthy relationships. You know, and it's really about releasing all of that stuff, that stuff, whatever it happens to be, you know, the feelings of not being seen not being heard. All of that kind of stuffs taking the time to really and this is why the getting in touch with how it is your feeling and your emotional state is so important. Because then you can start to say, Okay, well, what is it that I need? What is it that I need right now? What's coming up? What's the hurt that's happening here? How can I give myself the healing that I need? Like I said, therapy's so epic for doing this highly recommend everybody gets himself, a therapist in some way, shape, or form, but also the energetic work as well, like, you know, child work, all of that kind of stuff. And this is what we do a lot of inside release yourself a lot of that energetic clearing, like bringing in healing, bringing in love, so that you actually attract better and you let go of all this heavy stuff. Because until you do that inner healing. Other thing I want to say about that is that it's not like you and this is something I hear a lot actually. Women saying, Okay, I want to go and find another relationship, but I've gone through this big process of healing, like, am I healed enough to have another relationship? Or am I ready to kind of get back out there. And I think it's really important to note and I think just as humans, we're so linear in the way that we think where it's like, there's an end point that I have to get to where it's all wrapped up in a bow and somebody goes, you are now healed. When in fact, there's a layer upon layer upon never ending layers of the healing that you need to do. And even me, as someone, you know, really happy childhood, all that kind of stuff. It's only like, recently, I'm like, You know what there was like, even with that kind of loving, incredible environment, like your parents, humans, stuff happens, you know, you might have someone you know, the bully at school, all of this kind of stuff, it shapes who you are, and it shapes how you feel about yourself. And it's just having that kind of internal awareness and the and the skills and the tools which you learned inside the loved up effect to say, Okay, well, this is what I really need right now, whether you use the tools and release yourself, or you say, You know what, I'm going to investigate this further in therapy. So friggin epic. But when you can give yourself that healing, that's really when you can move forward. So it's also again, really about changing those unconscious, those unconscious programming programs, the beliefs that you have about yourself as well. That's really that other part that I kind of didn't mention before about those beliefs that you have. Yes, it's the beliefs like we talked about before the beliefs about love, but it's also the beliefs about yourself, what you're worthy of, that's often something that's massively at play here. Because you always get what you believe that you're worthy of. So if you're constantly attracting these kinds of relationships, where you're like, This is crap. This isn't what I want. It's really powerful opportunity to look inwards. And this is what I help women do look inwards and say, okay, like, what do I actually have? What are what is the love that I really believe that I'm worthy of and I think this is a really interesting one. I think I talked about it in a previous episode, but like most women don't realize They actually don't think that they're or don't have the belief that they're worthy of that dream relationship, you know, saying things like, when I'm fully healed, I'll have my dream relationship. When I lose the weight, I'll have my dream relationship. When I'm more in my feminine energy, I will have my dream relationship. When I look a certain way, I will have my dream relationship, when I'm more confident, I will like, all the reasons why you're not worthy of your dream love right now, all pointing to this deeper belief that you have that you're not worthy of love, not worthy of your dream relationship. And that's why you stay stuck in these kinds of relationships that you that deeper belief that you have, that's what you think you deserve. So it's really then about looking into and there's a really powerful module inside step two of the loved up effect, where we go into this, like the beliefs that you have about yourself, and bringing in self love in like, the most profound and epic ways not just the self love of like, have a bubble above. But Self Love is like, really? How do you feel about yourself? How do you feel in that relationship with you, because ultimately, it's the most important relationship of your life. And it sets the standard for every other relationship that you have. So if you're, and this again, connects with that inner healing, and that bit that I was talking about before, where it's like, if you're feeling a certain way, and you're just constantly ignoring that need for healing or for release, or for just acknowledgement of how you feel, if you're constantly like, I don't want to go to that pain, or that sadness, or that frustration, I'm going to slap a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay. You know, then you're not actually giving yourself what it is that you need. If your friend came to you and said, Listen, this is how I'm feeling. I'm feeling frickin sad. I just want to cry, I need a shoulder to cry on, you would be there for her yet, often, we don't do that for ourselves, we just go not not going, they're not going to let my friend no one do you feel unseen, unheard, uncared about, like, your emotions don't matter. Because they don't matter to you getting chills even just saying this because I know this is gonna be so powerful for a lot of you. But that's I almost one of my favorite modules in the whole of the love that loved up effect is really focusing on that relationship that you have with yourself, because it sets a tone for every other relationship in your life. That old quote, I don't know who it's from, you treat others how to treat you. So you have to focus on that relationship, how you feel about yourself? Are you giving yourself what it is that you need? Do you even know what it is that you need? big topic, that one. But the key then to this? So we've talked about a bit about like, all the stuff that's happening within, okay, you know, now like, this is the stuff you need to focus on to get out of these patterns. But then how do you kind of get into what it is that you do want? You got to get clear about what it is that you do want? You know, if I said at the beginning, you got to focus on what it is that you want to what do you want. And I know a lot of women, particularly if you've been focusing on what you don't want for a very long time, it's like, oh, no, no clue. So if you're someone that feels that way, that is absolutely a okay. You don't have to be entirely clear about what you want right now. I do want to let you in on a little secret, though, that what you do want is off is often the opposite of what you don't want. Go from there. If you're like, I don't want to have a relationship where I'm disrespected, then what you do want is a relationship that has respect. If you are sick of feeling ignored, then you want to have a relationship where you feel seen, you know where you feel understood, start just going with the opposite of what it is that you don't want. And it will become more and more specific. You know, in the side, the loved up loved up effect as well in step number two love yourself, we actually connect in what with what your soul desires in the deepest possible sense. And it's so helpful for when you get that clear when you're like this is a relationship that I want, I want this, you know, the security, the comfort, the respect, you know, the empathy, the understanding all of that sort of stuff, if that's really what your soul is crying out for, you got to get that clear. And then what we do is go into that programming that you have in your unconscious mind and say, Okay, well, this is a relationship that you want, you know, what beliefs do therefore need to have, you know, who is the you that we need to get you stepping into that has that kind of relationship. And then it's all about just taking the action that's in alignment with that dream love saying okay, and another big aspect of this that we do do in love yourself as well is really figuring out those core values that you have two and saying, Okay, well if security is a really or comfort is a really big core value of mine, starting to look at all those like other aspects of your life and say, well, Am I entitled alignment like, Am I doing? Am I taking action? You know, to bring that security into my life? Or am I just like letting whoever I want in without being like, really checking in and saying, Does this person, you know, have my best interests at heart?
Yeah, and then it's so then once you've got that kind of, you know, alignment, and you know what it is that you want, like I said, it's about taking action that's in alignment with that dream, love. So this may mean doing things like dating different types of guys. So if you're constantly dating these guys being like, I don't want to like he's like replica of my dad, which I don't want, you know, then it's about saying, Okay, well, I got to date different guys. Part of this then too, is the big conversation about stepping outside your comfort zone. You know, because your comfort zone. I feel like it's wrongly labeled comfort zone. Because it's not that comfortable, obviously. But it's where you're at right now. It's what you is known to you, it's what certain. So right now, if you're constantly like attracting those less than awesome relationships, that's your comfort zone, you know, the guys that don't treat you very well, that's your comfort zone, because that's what you're used to. That's what you're familiar with. And then when you start to take steps outside of that, you know, dating other kinds of guys, you know, you have to sort of realize that it's, you're stepping into the unknown, you're stepping into the unknown, it's going to feel different, it's going to feel unfamiliar, it's going to bring up a hell of a lot of fear, too. Like we all have a fear mechanism. We're covering so many cool things in this episode, can I just say it, but we all have this fear mechanism. And as soon as you start stepping outside your comfort zone is also really important to tell you that your comfort that the relationship that you want, it's way outside your comfort zone too. So to have it, you have to step out of what is familiar. And this is where self sabotage can so often come in self sabotage is literally fear. Good old fear, which is I love it false evidence appearing real, literally the BS stories that you tell yourself to keep you stuck inside your comfort zone. So when it comes to even dating other guys, like obviously, if you're just keep continually dating these guys that don't treat you very well, you got to change your type. You got to change your type. This is one of the big places where I see a lot of self sabotage. I did this myself a lot, you know, had a really a lot of like, really nice, lovely guys that kind of came in and were like, yeah, really lucky. Let's date and all that kind of stuff. And I was like, No, too boring, too boring. I'll stick with these like non committal party boys that don't give me the relationship that I ever want. Thank you. Like it keeps you in what you're known. You also have to be okay with people treating you differently. And I know there are so many women that struggles so badly with this. being shown love and respect and kindness and having people do things for you and say nice things for you. It can feel horribly foreign, like eat like, even if you're someone and you have to let me know in the reviews. Let me know if you're someone and you find it hard to accept a compliment. Like if someone says you look really lovely today. Like a you someone that's like, oh, yeah, that's because I got this dress and it was like $5 discount and Baba Baba, like that's you deflecting love. Like that's literally you deflecting love and saying no, no, no, this feels so uncomfortable and foreign to me. And I don't want to be awkward. So I'll just deflect this, as opposed to just saying thank you. You know, and this is the thing that I think a lot of women struggle with is really, truly opening up to the kind of relationship that you want. You know, this is where, why so much of that work is so insanely important, particularly when it comes to how you feel about yourself, those beliefs that you have about yourself, the identity that you're embodying, because that will enable you to open up in a whole new way in relationships, where it's like, I'm okay with someone showing me love. And even just bringing awareness now, to all the ways that you find it hard to let people in all the ways are you like deflecting the compliment somebody says can all help you carry something to your car? You're like, no, no, no, don't do that. And you're just kind of pushing it all away. If you want to have that big, incredible relationship, you've also got to be used to having people treat you differently. So if you're someone and you've constantly been in those relationships, where you're like fighting for attention, and all of that kind of stuff, I really want you to know that when you start to step towards that dream love that you want. A lot of that stuff is going to come up where it's like this is scary. This is uncomfortable. And this is why it's like so frickin gold. For all the women that have access to all three steps of the loved up effect are inside my program. We have a whole Facebook group, massive, incredible group of women there, but it's where you can come to and be like, Okay, what do I do in these moments? And so I need some support, like, how do I go through this, I can feel this stuff coming up. And we have the most epic chats. But you have to start to be comfortable with that. And anything that you can do right now just to open up to that love being showed like, because it's happening all day every day like literally love is trying to come into your life, all day every day. And the more you can open up to it, the more you can let it come in, the frickin better, the more comfortable you can be accepting that kind of thing, people looking after you caring for you asking questions, helping you, you know, I know there's a lot of women out there who were like, No, I don't need help, yet are like freaking struggling. It's about asking. Also, other than really speaking your needs and saying this is what I need in a relationship and then allowing someone else to come in and meet those needs. As opposed to trying to meet all of your needs yourself or pretending that you don't have them. I know this is gonna be hitting a nerve with a lot of people. So it might be uncomfortable, it's gotten not mine, it's gonna be uncomfortable as you open up to this new kind of love. But it's awesome. And this is really what we talk a lot about to inside both steps two and three of the loved up effect is really how to embrace the uncomfortable, like really step into the new allow fear to be there. And just continue to like there's so many practices there that and just really the whole process of the loved up if it gets you to this place where it's like fear freakin Yes, I'm stepping into the right direction, what do I need to do here to really embrace what's coming at me. So really start by opening up to love now in other ways I would love to know to like because even just having this conversation and bringing this to your awareness, really start to I'd love for you to tell me like all the ways that love is actually coming in because you'll start to notice it where you're like holy moly, I said no here and I said no there and I deflected this over here, it's literally love trying to come in. So really open up to love, it will get you comfortable for when you start to step outside that comfort zone of the crappy relationships. So you really can open up to it and you don't self sabotage and be like close yourself off. No not having any of that. So again, I really want to read reiterate your past is your past, your past is your past, here. Now, inside this episode, in this moment that you're listening to this right now, we are now creating a new future, we are creating a new future. But this involves you looking, you know, through your windscreen or front windscreen as opposed to the rearview mirror. You know, it involves looking towards what it is you do want, like focusing on what it is that you do want and creating this new way of being internally so that you get yourself there. You know, what got you to this place here. Everything that got you to what it is you're experiencing right now, it ain't gonna get you into that relationship that you want. You're in this is all about what I'm all about, is really giving you that kind of the next, this is what you need to learn in order. And these are the tools or practices the skills this is the empowerment that you need to have that dream relationship that you want. Because right now, where you're at right now, I've given you a hell of a lot in this episode, I must say a
whole lot of new stuff to really bring into your awareness. But it's really about taking this and realizing that all the stuff that you have been doing to find love, you know, gets you to that pattern that you're stuck in and then to get to where it is that you want to be. You've got to take on new information you've got to take on new understandings, you've got to take on a whole new way of being but if you're keen, totally recommend if you this is like you're like okay, yeah, I see now you know what I actually need to do in order to find love. Then I have the link to my five day challenge your love life overhauled in the show notes below I highly recommend you get into that because that really is the first step in on this path like the loved up effect is a proven framework that will get you into love, like your dream love. And your love life overhauled is really that first step, you know, click the link below, you'll have in the show notes and you'll have instant access to that like you can literally like I said, leave your past in your past and start creating a whole new future today. Because you do deserve to have your dream love. You deserve to be happy. You deserve not to have relationships that make you feel like crap. You know, and I think the big thing about this and why I love doing this work so much is like you know when women really and I think again it kind of goes back to what I was talking about having that relationship with yourself. You deserve to feel incredible like you like in that really deepest sense feel incredible. You know you just deserve to have someone in your life that just amplifies that as well. You know, and I think it's so important to know that it's not just like, and this will sound probably. But I just think the world needs more of that, like everything. Everybody in the world benefits when there's more love in the world and I just cannot wait for you to find it. Because it actually comes from within from within you. So if you found this episode helpful, we covered a lot so like well done hanging out with me. If you found this episode helpful, I'd love Love, love, love it if you left me a review. We'll only take a second of your time, but it would mean the absolute world to me to know that this is hitting home for you, that it's helping you that you've got a whole enew perspective on finding love, because that is my freakin mission. And I will be here with a whole new
