Welcome to The Loved Up Effect Podcast. I'm Emily Bucknell, here to get you from demoralized and single to empowered, confident, and in the loving arms of your dream guy, if you're a smart, successful woman with a lot of love to give, but no matter what you do, how hard you try or how much you want to, you just don't seem to be getting any closer to love than you are in the right place. I'm here to answer your biggest and most frustrating questions when it comes to dating love and relationships in a way that no one else will get ready for practical, no BS and powerful AF insights that will lead you to love. Are you ready? Let's get into today's episode.
But there's an exercise in there now that I did myself quite a few years ago. Now to find out what my three core values were, which was a hell of a lot harder than I actually thought. Like, before that if you said to me, okay, what are your core values? Emily, I'll give you the Miss Universe answer like kindness, compassion, honesty, loyalty, laughter, joy, you know, all that feel good stuff that you think you have to say. But as a result of doing an actual exercise, I know now that my values are empowerment, joy and success. So what makes me happy, what makes me fulfill feel feel fulfilled a bit of a mouthful, and awesome is when I'm doing things or taking action that brings me more empowerment, more joy, and more success into my life. You know, it's a whole lot more like you can tell it's a whole lot more, more more specific than what I said before, like kindness, compassion, honesty, like, obviously, core values for people to that can, those can be your core values. But it's about really whittling them down to those three to five, three, go with three guys.
If you're at a point where you feel like it might be easier to give up on love, you're that exhausted and soul destroyed by wanting it so badly, trying so hard and only having more heartbreak and disappointment to show for it. Like, why is it so hard for you to find love when it seems so easy for everybody else around you, then listen up. Because there is a reason that you feel that way. It's because the action that you're taking right now, it simply isn't working. Way too often I meet women who are suffering, feeling awful about themselves in their lives, because despite doing everything that you're supposed to do to find love, like wearing your hair down red dresses on first date so that you're the attractive woman you think men want. We're following the never ending dating rules like never responding to a text immediately, making sure you're on Bumble instead of Tinder. Nothing changes for you. And that's because you've been told that taking that kind of action is all you need to do to find love that it's simply a matter of time luck, or the stars aligning and and it will happen. So you just keep at it. Even though taking this action feels awful, and it's getting you nowhere, that stops now, because as I've discovered and have now shared with 10s of 1000s of women, there is an entirely different way to go about finding love. One that builds you up empowers you feels like the most magnificent breath of fresh air and best of all it works. If you've been actively trying to find love for the last year and you're no closer to having it. Then click the link in my show notes and get yourself into my no BS workshop. Your love life overhauled right this second and learn what you need to do to actually find love. It will change everything for you.
But the thing is that when you know what makes you take it that really core level, you know, what you're driven by then making decisions you know about who you want in your life, it becomes a hell of a lot more clear and easy. You know, and I want to sort of talk a little bit more about this, because I think there's also there's that idea out there, where it's like, have the core that make sure your values are the same. My husband and I totally aligned when it comes to success, like he is, let me just say he's, he's not somebody, I don't think that would ever sit down and really figure out his core values, but they're fairly clear knowing him now. So my husband really are aligned in that kind of success, ambition, hard work, you know, perseverance, persistence, all of that kind of stuff, which is absolutely awesome. You know, I also want to say that this isn't about like going on a first date with someone and saying, Well, tell me what your core values are, you're on. Like I said, it's not like they have to be the same either. Because, you know, we're gonna have a variety, and it's about kind of thing we'll do these overlap, and how do these actually work together? Even bigger than that this is really about understanding yourself, you know, understanding yourself so that you know, what decisions about what people in your life, you know, you know, how to make those decisions? Because when you can say, okay, and this is how you use your core values, it's about really saying, okay, is this decision having this person in my life? Is that gonna give me more joy? Is it gonna give me more success? Is it going to help me feel empowered, really, using that as a way to drive your decision making is insanely powerful, but it's about really knowing is it how this person complements you how it's going to actually feel in terms of meeting those core values that you have. And then also, when you bring this kind of awareness to yourself, and you start to kind of uncover your own core values, then it's going to be pretty, it's not going to be like you're actually gonna be on the lookout, like, when you're interacting with people and things like that, it's gonna start to stand out to you what their core values possibly could be. And obviously, if you feel comfortable, and you're having conversations like this with a guy anyway, it may feel normal to ask him a question like, What are your core values? They may be into personal development and have done these exercises, which is awesome.
But it's really important to pay attention to this. Because so often, this is where people go so wrong, is they make decisions about who to date or not based on your interests, like how you want to spend your time and whether or not that intersects or not. I've had so many women say to me things like, Okay, I am not an outdoors and venturi type girl. So there's no way I could date this guy who's into that kind of thing. You know, but your core values are not your interest, they're different things, they are different things. So like my husband, he's a farmer. And that's where he leaves out that core value of ambition, success, whatever it is specifically to him. I don't want to be a farmer, I suck at farm work. My core value of success is really here having this impact here with the women that I coach, like helping you guys find love, like giving you this whole new perspective on life, like having this business, you know, I just it nothing lights me up more it it's me living out that kind of success. Success for me is having this profound impact on helping women successful, my husband is having like thriving farm, totally different interests, but the same core value. So I hope you really start to see that. So don't think that you can't date the guy that likes like the example I use, it likes hiking, and adventure and being outside, when that doesn't float your boat at all, you may actually have the same core values just expressed in different ways. So you can still have a really profound connection, they're just expressed in different ways. So hopefully, that makes sense for you, when we talk about core values, find out what yours are. And then you're going to start to see it in the people that you date. And when you can say, actually make those kinds of decisions and say, Okay, if my core value is happiness, or joy, or kindness, or honesty, or loyalty, or whatever it happens to be or impact or abundance, and say, well is this person, you know, meeting one of those core values, you know, I'm getting to know them are they actually someone that's meeting going to help me meet one of those core values, do our values align in any way, shape or form, not interests? Remember that, number two, really important, understand what your soul desires. Like the relationship, the love that your soul wants to experience. And this, my friends is where so many people get off track, like, and I think this is like one of those things out there, where it's like, be clear about like, the relation, the guy that you want to date and the relationship that you want to have you but the thing is, you really got to be clear about your desire, you got to know what you want. Otherwise, like, You got no chance, like when people come to you, you're gonna be like, oh, yeah, you seem good. But you've got to have that kind of knowledge of what it is that you're actually looking for. So when you meet people, you're like, yes, they're in alignment with what I want, or no, they are not in alignment in alignment of what I actually want. And I think the thing that is really important to note is that I am all about going to that next level like this, and I'll sort of explain I'll explain this in a second. But it's not about like the superficial stuff. It's about really starting to ask the question, okay, well, what is it that I actually want in a relationship? And is this a reflection of what everyone else around you has, or what you think you should want, or what your family wants for you, or what you want, so you fit in with everybody else, rather than what you actually want. And this is what I'm talking about, about your soul desire. And this is what we do inside the loved up effect is cut out all those layers, because you don't realize how influenced you are by everybody around you, and really get to the core of what it is that you actually desire. So really start to ask yourself, even just now, what is that relationship that you desire? And how are you influenced by the people around you? Is it actually what you want? Or are you taking that kind of family expectation, this is the kind of guy that you have to be dating, or that we want in our family. The other thing I really want you to ask too, is when you kind of think, Okay, this is what I desire? Is it completely surface level stuff? Or is it specifically about like your dream partner, rather than the relationship that you actually want to have? Or is it a combination of all of that? So if you're someone and I'll use an example so if you're someone who's saying, I want to find a guy that's like six to adopt a lawyer, some kind of like investment banker, like profession like that, making a good income, who likes to work out is interested in cooking and food has sisters, so I know he has this like idea about women, and he lives no further than 30 minutes away. Is that the kind of thing that you're saying when it's like, Hey, this is what I desire. This is the kind of relationship that I want to have. Is that what comes up for you? Where it's like all these external influences, and you're really focusing on that kind of surface level stuff. I'm telling you right now that your soul doesn't desire any of that. That is what your ego desires. Like you could meet it. guy who is all of those things, and have the most unfulfilling relationship ever. His height means nothing about the kind of love commitment, security loyalty he can give you. So until you become clear about what your soul truly desires in a relationship, then you aren't actually out there looking for the right things. So if you're out there, and you're like, Okay, well, I've got to find the investment banker, or I've got to have, you know, the guy with this kind of car or with the sisters, and he has to live in this kind of area, is that what you're out there looking for right now, then that's like using Google Maps to get a desk get to get to a destination, but not actually putting the right address in, it's like putting in the wrong address, you're never gonna get to that kind of relationship that your soul actually desires. And this is what I want you to understand. You're listening to this, you found me for a reason, because I'm here to help women, you know, have that soul desire that you want that big love, we're not here to have like, whatever kind of relationship that ends in like two years time or even less, you want the really big love that comes from your soul. Not that ego stuff. Try not to swear. Not that ego stuff that's really focused on the superficial things. So inside step two, again, of the laptop effect inside love yourself, we get past all that BS sort of stuff. And we go to straight to what your soul desires, which really is what your dream relationship feels like for you. Like how it feels to be totally loved by that person that you end up in the relationship with, you know, how it feels to be in that relationship. And then using that. So nothing about what the relationship like the specifics of who we use, and how it all like, none of that, like pure, simple, deep kind of this is what my soul desires. And then we use that we put that out into the universe, type that into Google Maps, put that out into the universe for delivery. You know, that's the destination that you actually want to reach. It's your soul's destination, not your egos. So hopefully, that is a different kind of perspective for you on that. So if you're someone I know, I did a previous episode where I talked about the shopping list, you know, the whole, like, he has to be this home that the, you know, this income, this profession, these wearing this kind of shoes always had a thing for shoes, I was like not ugly shoes, not going to talk to him so much. You're not at all ego driven. But all of that kind of stuff. If you've got the shopping list, right now, I'm telling you rip the whole thing up, you got to get down to what your soul actually desires in terms of the relationship. Okay, so number three, you need to understand and break your old patterns. I love talking about this stuff. So your unconscious mind, whether you realize it or not. And like we don't realize this stuff, because 95% of the time, because it's in our unconscious mind, like our unconscious mind is like 95% of what our brain is doing. It's in charge, it's pretty much running the show, it is running the show, and, and really directing everything that we do, including who we decide to date, and whether or not we decide to date them or not. Like it all comes those decisions all come from, from our unconscious mind. And we'll walk you through how this all works. So I want you to take a second right now. And consider who you usually date. Like he's a type isn't he?
And the same kinds of things play out with this type, don't they? For me, I used to get charmed by the like really entertaining fun party boys who were who were a lot of fun to be around, then we'd end up in this relationship that wasn't ever really what I wanted, because they were busy partying, obviously, then they would dump me because I'd spend the whole relationship trying to try to get them to give me what I actually wanted. And it was this horrible kind of tension II sort of thing. And then they'd be like, Dude, I can't even take this. Like I'm didn't sign up for any of this. And even though I knew logically, this wasn't getting me to where I wanted to be, I'd never seem to be able to take meaningful action to change it. And this is because our unconscious programming the programming that I had, in my unconscious mind. So that's like the way that we see ourselves the way that we see the world the beliefs that we have about love the beliefs that we have about ourselves, you know, our core values as well. All of that it runs the show. And it wasn't until I did the work to shift the belief that I wasn't like I realized like all of this came down to the fact that I had beliefs like I'm not worthy. of love, I'm not worthy of that big kind of love. This is the best I can get. You know, it wasn't until I shifted those beliefs, you know that there also wasn't another big one there also wasn't anybody else left to date. So like settling for them was a really good option. You know, it wasn't till I shifted these beliefs that things actually changed for me. And I want you to have a think about this yourself. Like, how many times have you ended up in those relationships with people? It goes exactly the way that you think it's gonna go. You know, me, the non committal party boys. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, getting into another relationship with the same exact kind of guy. All my friends are like cringing going again. Again, I'm like, no, no, it'll be different. And then you like, Oh, God, no, I have to tell her that they dumped me again. And you look back, you're like, Why did I do that? Again, it's because of your unconscious programming. It always wins. It always wins, and it's unconscious. So you don't realize how it's all playing out until you do this work until you go through a process like is in step two of The Loved Up Effect, you know, where you start to have a look at what's actually happening inside your unconscious mind. And you say, right, this is why logically, I can know something, but then I'm making all these decisions to end up in relationships with people who I know are gonna give me what I want. And I look back and I go, why did I do that? Because of your unconscious programming. And this, like I said, is what step two of the lub dub effect is all about doing, like having a look at the patterns that you're stuck in? And saying, Okay, well what's happening in your unconscious to cause this. And there's some incredible tools inside step two, Inside Love Yourself research back, like scientifically proven tools that rewire your unconscious, so you actually start to take different action. Like you create beliefs, like empowering beliefs, like I'm worthy of my dream, love. There are incredible guys out there for me to date. And you take in, like, totally different action, and it's insane how things shift for you. You know, you can know like I said, you can know logically that you have to be open to dating, different types of guys. And I have these conversations with women all the time when they're like, Oh, I know, I need like that type of guy. I always go for I know, it never goes, well, I know I need to open up to dating different types of guys. But you're gonna find it damn hard to give those nice, you know, guys that you probably call boring, I used to call them boring all the time. Like what a boring guy, what a boring guy, you're going to find it so hard to give them a like a legitimate real chance. Because your unconscious is in the background, they're happily playing out your pattern of dating, you know, the emotionally unavailable commitment phobic guys, what's happening in your unconscious will always win. So if you're stuck in these patterns, is because there's your unconscious has that pattern and it just keeps playing it out. You have to go into your unconscious rewire things, so that you break those patterns, you know, let me know to I would love to know, how many times have you said I cannot believe I dated him. I cannot believe I ended up in that relationship. Again. That's your unconscious wiring literally on show. So when you're asking that question, Should I keep seeing him? Is he worth my time, be aware of the action that you've taken in the past. And if you can, don't repeat the same action, like I said, it's gonna be like it'll be way more effective. Once you've gone through step two of the loved up effect because you do the work to rewire your unconscious mind. So the action that you take then is totally different. You're not fighting that programming that you have anymore. It's all in alignment. But start to start to bring awareness to all this stuff where it's like, check out that patent I have, what could it mean is happening? What's playing out? What are the beliefs that I have in my unconscious? That's making me stuck in this pattern. Okay, so moving on to number four, calm the F down. So if you're like a lot of women who find me, you've probably been looking for love for quite some time like yours. And understandably, you don't want to waste any more time which with the wrong person, which is fair enough, I get it, I get it. I totally get it. But often this can mean that you're not dating, your husband hunting. So you're swiping through the guys looking for your future husband, not the guy that you'd like to date, which seems like a really subtle difference. But skipping all of the steps of dating and going straight to is this man I have never met before. Is he my future husband is literally guaranteeing you not to ever find your future husband. I have to tell you a truth that you may not like very much but dating finding love the right person. It takes him little bit of time, you know, you don't leave university with your qualification and then jump straight into your ultimate height of your career dream job, do you it takes time, it takes time to find the right person who you want to spend the whole rest of your life with.
So, I know Like I've said before, I know that even just saying that I know, there's gonna be some of you who are like, no effing way. I cannot calm down and allow this to take time. But I really want you to understand that what you resist persists. And the energy of impatience that energy of husband hunting is only going to make it take a hell of a lot longer. And this is where step one of The Loved Up Effect is super handy to have in your back pocket, that's release yourself, because it gives you like a whole library of tools and practices to release all of that kind of energy to regulate your energy. So you can come down and allow it to happen. You know, so when those feelings of like worry, impatience, overthinking anxiety come at you, you actually have tools to help regulate that. Release it all. So you take different action. So when you're swiping instead of asking, Is this guy, my future husband start asking, Would I like to spend an hour of my life chatting to this person to see if I want to see him again? And then say you meet him? After date? One, you ask yourself, Okay, would I like to spend some time getting to know him a little bit more? I don't really know. Like, how much do you know about someone after you've spent a couple of hours with them? Not a hell of a lot. So you say, Well, you know what, there was no mammoth red flags there. Yeah, sure. I'll go see him again. And then you do that. And you say, ask the same question. Okay. Did I enjoy spending time with him? Is there bits that I would like to get to know more? Is there stuff coming up? Where I'm like, No, that's a no. And you keep seeing this person until your shore until you're like, you know, what the good really outweighs the bad or the bad really outweighs the good are you know what, I don't really care if I see you again or not. And this is the big point, the biggest point of this whole episode, be okay with uncertainty. This isn't like go on date one and know for sure if he's your husband or not, this is like go on date one and then spend the next, I don't know, three months going on quite a few more dates until you become fairly certain. And the thing is that you don't really need to be certain anytime soon. Anyway, it's about relationships developing, there is no time limit. So I didn't even really want to say like put any kind of time limit on it. But it's just about taking it as it comes and saying, Okay, now we've been on. Now we've been dating for two months, like, are we taking this to the next level or not? And if he's not ready for commitment, and you are, then it's about saying, Okay, well, this isn't actually meant to be then be okay with uncertainty. Be okay with taking the time to get to know someone and make an informed decision instead of a rushed one, because you want to get to the destination. This is about saying, Okay, let's just take every day as it comes every date as it comes. And know that it's leading you somewhere. You either get what you want, or you get the lesson you does less than that you need. I didn't want to say less than that you deserve. You get what you want, or you get the lesson that you need. You know, there's such ridiculous expectations that we have on love. And I blame all the Disney movies and rom coms and all that kind of stuff. You know that it's all about this, like love at first sight getting swept off your feet riding into the sunset together happily ever after. And like Yeah, that might happen for some people. But when you look around, it's not the case for everyone. You know, I didn't meet my husband. I was like, Oh, yep, dude, let's go get married. You know, my mom said that when she first met my dad. I don't know, they were going skiing or something that he was I was like to pick her up. And she was like, Whoa, who's this guy? You know, and when you look around Love is like that. It's not some perfect storybook BS thing. You know, life is messy. It's imperfect. It's unpredictable. It's about just going with what's happening in the moment of now. And not trying to skip it to get to like, wherever and the guys like I'm not on the same train as you. I'm here trying to get to know you. And I want you to ask the question to like, is anyone ever their best selves on a first date? No. Know who, you know their nerves is awkward silences. There's jokes that just don't land. First impressions, despite what we may think. First impressions really aren't everything and I encourage you not to judge a book by its cover. You know, be okay that this process is about getting to know always someone, and that takes time, you're out there looking for this person that you want to spend a hell of a lot of your life with, take the time to actually find them. And I'm sure as all hell that you want someone to take the time to get to know you to, like, you don't want to show up on a first date and be judged by someone the second, you get there, and they're like, Nope, you're not for me, you don't enjoy that. So it's about not doing that to other people to the only time that what I'm saying right now does not apply. And I want to make this really clear. If there are any red flags like disrespectful behavior, you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in any way, shape or form, then it is a hard No. Like, the whole thing ends right there. And that is it. So I really want to say that again. This is about getting like I'm talking about getting to know the guys that don't have the red flags. If you like swiping, there's red flags stuff there. You're on a first date. There's messages with red flag stuff like disrespectful behavior, you feel uncomfortable, you feel unsafe. It's a hard. No. Hopefully we've got that hard. No. But generally, the good guys, the guys where there aren't those red flags? And it's like, is this person just aligned with me? Is he what I'm actually looking for? It's about taking the time to actually get to know someone. Don't say Okay, two dates. Yup, you're done. If you don't, because you don't actually really not necessarily know someone, if you like, so much is really, really epic about this person. So much is epic about this person. It's about then saying, Okay, well ask him the questions. Do I actually want to see him again? Do I want to spend more time with this person? Do I want to go on another date with this person, just keep in the moment of now. And then the last point is trusting the universe. So so many of these questions really come from the belief that you can make a wrong decision. And then the weight of that decision completely freaks you out. And you find it hard to make any decision, you know, where it's like, holy crap, what do I do? Should I date him? Should I not date him, you're asking all your friends, just getting more and more confused. You're like, I don't even know what the frick to do. You cannot make the wrong decision, you cannot stuff it up. What is meant for you will never pass you by. You follow the previous steps. If you get really specially getting really like clear about what your soul actually desires, then that desire is out there. Like you put it out there, the universe is creating it, it's gonna deliver it generally in the most unexpected, unexpected of ways, you know, through men that you never would have expected, and always in perfect timing. So yes. To answer the question, Is he worth my time, he's always the worst, he is always worth the time that you give him, you are always exactly where you're meant to be. You know, the people who have been put in your life for a reason. Like I said, you either get what you want, or you get the lesson that you need. If they are, aren't what you ultimately want, then they're bringing you the lessons that you need to have that you need to learn in order to have what it is that you want. Make sure you listen to last week's episode, I'll put the link in the show notes for that. You know, but when you really start to work with life, and you're like, okay, is this person like? Do I want to spend what I want to be in a committed relationship with this person? Do I know enough about them to actually make that decision? And the answer is no. Or they say the answer's no for them, then it's about saying okay, well, what is the lesson in this, because you are always exactly where you're meant to be. And like I said, they're either in what you want, or the lesson that you need to have what it is that you want.
So those are those five steps to really get yourself into that kind of position where you're confident making these decisions, where you're confident making these decisions. And it's not that rush, kind of like, I got to know or else I'm making the wrong decision. And I want to say that point again, because I know this brings people a hell of a lot of comfort, knowing this, what is meant for you is never going to pass you by, it is never going to pass you by, you can never make the wrong decision. You can never ever, ever, ever make the wrong decision. And you get clear on that sole desire, it's gonna come to you, it is 100% gonna come to you. It's just about following those steps that life gives you. And that's what I went a ton into in last week's episodes. I'll link that down below as well. So if this was helpful for you, please leave please let me know leave a review, leave a review. And make sure you also join if you want to know more about the lub dub effect. And the three steps to that. Make sure you join Ain't my new workshop your love life overhauled, it takes like literally what I've been chatting with you about so far here in the podcast, and how to actually start applying that to your life. So if you're someone and you're like, I have been doing all of the things, all of the things for like the last year or more, more likely, a very long time. For me, it was like 18 years. But if you've been doing all the things and you're not getting anywhere, then this workshop is made for you, because there's action that you're taking right now. Like the action that you're taking right now. It's not actually helping you find love. So make sure you get all the information about that as well. Leave me a review if you have any questions that you'd like me to answer on the podcast, even if this episode brought up more questions for you. Then hit the link below too because you can ask me questions there as well and I'll answer them here. Otherwise, lots of love everybody. I shall chat to you all very soon.
